Massive thoughts emotions and feelings going on in my head lately.
So I'm feeling the need to just spit it all out and save myself the mess of tears.
(I find that a good dose of writing it all down makes me feel better)
I'm angry, pissed, sad, and scared.
And so god damn tired.
So here it is, my news, my update, my life.
I feel like i been put on pause, and the whole world is moving around me still, and i can't seem to catch up on what i missed out on.
Everyone i know is shitty and angry at me for not ringing them or seeing them.
Everyone is pulling my arms and begging me to come out.
But I'm not the kinda person who likes to rain on someone Else's parade. In that if I'm miserable or hurting inside bad, i don't want to be the person in the corner who is a stick in the mud or a wallower, don't even think about calling me 'someone who is always looking down at her feet miserably'. Because I'm not.... honestly I'm not, though it may seem that way to you lately.
So here is my confession...
I have stage two cervical cancer. Along with cysts on my ovaries due to POCS. (polysytic ovarian syndrome) and i also have acute liver failure due to something that happened to me a few years ago.
I knew several days before Christmas about it all. But i kept it silently because i didn't want to ruin Anyone's Christmas. It's hard to go through a life threatening illness all alone. And there were so many times i nearly broke down and just gave up. But I'm still here now, right now and right this moment. And i can choose to run, or i can choose to fight.
It ain't gunna be pretty, and i know i have a very hard couple of months ahead of me, so if i seem a little distant and preoccupied, please understand that I'm fighting not only for myself, but for the day, the hour, the minute, and even the seconds that tic by when I'm with you, or when I'm thinking about you.
In the Musical Evita, Madonna sings "Don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is i never left you" And i guess I'm asking you to do the same.
I'm sorry mum. But please understand why i had to do this.
I love you.
And i don't want your tears or sorrow to cast a shadow on our life.
Just smile for me.
And hold my hand tight.
I'm very scared and in so much darkness.
I need you to help me be strong, so please don't handicap me by pitying me or by being depressed and sad over me. And when we are in doubt, and feel a lump of sadness well in our throats, we shall sing to one another with love and hope in our hearts...
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
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4 comments:
babe - i had a friend go through this younger than you - and soon I am going to her wedding that we didn't think she would make!
You are right - we can fight this!
Arrgh. I just wrote a post about health etc.
I'm with Ally. PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE. Forget about 'raining on peoples parade'. Wouldn't you want to be around those who you love if they were sick? Just even to make them smile? We feel like that!
I stopped messaging because I got the picture that you weren't interested in picking up the phone, nor meeting up when you first got the news. I've been around a few times but your car wasn't home. I seriously hope when you are ready you'll reach out.
For the record, my mother, Aunty Belinda, & Ails have all had cervical cancer and all made it through with no traces since.
Choose to beat this. You can chose to push away those who love you and do it alone (leaving you more isolated in your feelings) or you can get it out in the open, fight it, share with people who want to give you strength and happiness and who want you to survive.
Please get over this "I don't want to rain on people's parades". To me, that says "My pain isn't worth everyone's sympathy and support".
Rubbish. You are worth so much more than that. This isn't a wishy washy subject, this is a life and death subject and we need you here even if you don't need us dammit.
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