NO OFFENCE BUT FUCK CHRISTMAS.

Sorry all, but i really hate christmas, always have always will.
It's for a few reasons really.
But i can't be assed going into it atm, maybe next post.

Haven't had time to scratch my ass between work and hospital and doctors.
Forgive me for not contacting any of you over the last month.
Don't want to talk about it just yet im still swimming in uncertainty and tears.
Even though i haven't msged or seen anyone, doesn't mean i haven't been thinking about you all.
For lack of a better word, and even though it kills me to say it... Merry Xmas.

Two words you don't want to hear...

Cervical Cancer.

will be back when i have digested them.

My sincerest appologies

to all my friends who i haven't contacted and spoken to lately.
For the ones who i have stood up and the ones i broke promises to...
Im appologising.

You know who you all are.
I can't explain how sorry i am.
But in a couple of days when it's all sorted and dealt with i will come forward with my lame but just excuse for being a bad friend...

Amby

Bing Bong!

You know i been working hard lately.
And i been thinking gosh i should update my blog.
and then i got to thinking what is the point of a blog?
Perhaps Some people write to let others know how they are? Or maybe some people like to just fill in their day's of boredom...? Who knows why they do it? i sure don't.... But i can tell you why i do.

I'm a bit of an OCD freak. (Obsessive compulsive disorder) And i have this NEED to write and plan everything out. I HAVE to be in control. Its frustrating at times, you have no idea how many times i write out my shopping list and then check and re-check like a zillion times. I walk around my house and constantly repeat in my head things that have to be done... i wipe and re wipe benches.

So i write in my blog for a few reasons, to vent, to think, to help me understand a few things about myself that i normally wouldn't have, and to provide my friends with some entertainment from time to time with my stupidity.

So today I'm hanging out with my gay friend Kyle, and he says to me "You know what Amber, you have three bad habits, and all your problems are tied into those bad habits... You have a low self image, you feel bad about yourself so you go out and spend money on crap you don't need to make yourself feel better, then when that doesn't work, you buy junk food and try to eat yourself to happiness, but then you get even more depressed because you see that as failure at looking slim and beautiful, so you stress yourself out and smoke... it's a vicious circle you keep running in."

*blink blink* moment.....

You know he's right.
I felt like an idiot for spending the last two months trying to figure out what was going on and he tells me in 5 minutes.

So now that's sorted and put in my 'to deal with in a week' box.
I'm also going to the Doctors tomorrow to have 'the talk' which i am dreading. I know I'm sick again... (one day when i feel like it i will explain what i have) I'm just not looking forward to them telling me exactly how far i managed to push my health into red alert mode this time.

My doctor tells me I'm like slowly committing suicide. Like a drug addict or a smoker, I know what i am doing in my lifestyle is potentially life threatening, but i can't seem to stop. So that's some shit i gotta deal with tomorrow when i go to see them. So this is in my 'deal with tomorrow' box.

I have told work that at the end of December i am no longer going to be taking on as much work as i have been. Sure the money is nice, and i have become accustomed to a rich lifestyle (i spent over a grand alone today on stuff i might later tell you about) But i have always said that i would rather be poor and happy then rich and miserable. And at the moment i am miserable.

So After Christmas is dealt with, and My car registration is paid (which i think should be around Jan) Im cutting half my workload down. It's my promise to me.

Bullet please...

Im in dire need of a bullet...
Would you believe i have the Mc flu AGAIN!!!!!!
No neither can i!

Im making a doctors appointment to get this shit sorted out once and for all!! There is definately something going on inside thats in dire need of attention! Im really over the whole flu thing... to the point of wearing a facial mask everywhere!

If you go back through the p[ages of my blog, you will see that i average the flu probably 3 times a month! whats with that? methinks i know what it is, but im secretly hoping its something else!

So i feel like shit, its hot, which is making me feel even hotter (have the sweats) my ears are muffly, my nose is red raw and my head hurts.
I have decided that as of November the 4th i am cutting back on work... i just can't handle the hours and the dedication needed.

Im finding myself stressed and tired and sick too much, not to mention i never have time to see my old friends (who probably think im dead) and as for my diet.... well at least the flu is keeping my weight down for the moment....

Bleurghhhhhhhh....

Will be honest with ya all, im feeling rather down and out at the moment in regards to a few things in my life, but am planning to take control as soon as my health is back to number one.

What bears do in a cave of hybernation...

Ok i know i been gone a loooong time!

And I'm still partially hibernating... Not quite ready for my big reveal as yet (where i pop up back into society to the echo's of 'oh my gosh look at you' )... see i kinda got lost along the way looking for my mojo, and i got side tracked for a very long time, but I'm back on the beaten path of discovery and I'm damn near close to finding it!

Anyway, here's what this furry bear got up to in her cave....

I have never had lobster in my whole entire life, and heard people rave about how much of a delicacy it is. must admit that it seemed to me like a rich mans food... so i had some spare cash and decided to try some... This little bugger cost me $70.... and that was for only half!

Unfortunately i took one bite (after racking up the nerve to eat it out of its shell... ewwwwww eyeballs an all!!) and was instantly put off... yuck! I couldn't find anyone who would eat it as it seemed like a waste money, so lets just say the neighbours dog had an expensive din dins!

No i didn't get into a punch on.. I had my eyelash's dyed and permed!

Got hair extensions put in, but then took them out cause it was too much maintenance!!!!

So then i decided to straighten my hair and cut it.... hmmm women!
Oh and i did my nails!

Peekaboo...

Just peeping out from behind my rock and having a quick squiz around before making a mad dash back into my bear cave...

Im feeling a little better, still tired as, but thats due to work.
Thinking i may have found out where my mojo is, just have to get off my ass and go and geddit!

Some good news coming soon....

Im a making like a bear....

Thats right, im making like a bear and hybernating my fat ass for a week or so. Between work and cleaning up after the dirty flatmate i am a bit nackered. Kinda feeling like all my life seems to evolve around lately is work!

I haven't been able to catch up with some of my gorgeous friends for ages, like the lovely Miss Cinta i went to school with... Its been like 3 months

And i also haven't seen Miss Claire, who has been overseas for the last two months

Hmmm maybe i should make Friday friend day. A day where i get to catch up with all the people i haven't had time to see for ages.

I dunno what's chasing me at the moment, but im feeling kinda blue, and it's been creeping up on me for a while now. Still haven't quite put my finger on it yet, i know a lot of it has to do with being dissapointed with myself over a few things. Like my lack of self control and self preservation! I used to care about what i looked like before i went out, and now i dont seem to worry too much about it.

Me thinks i need a makeover... Not a hair cut, not a hair colour, Not even a wardrobe change, but perhaps a lifestyle makeover... some kinda structure to live by. I need to get a routine going so i can wiggle back into my mojo. cause i think i kinda lost it.

My gay friend Kyle pointed out that i lost my mojo, (my 'im gorgeous' gene that radiates a sparkle in my eyes and a cheekiness to my grin)about 3 weeks ago. So i think im gunna have to take a week and a bit off from the world to go digging around the spaces of my head and soul for it.

Hopefully i won't have to look too hard for too long.

Its gunna be a big un!!!

Ok So much to say and so little time!!!

so here i will break it down for all you little rockmeista's out there!

(crazy mood? yessum i am)

First things first. Gay night was fun. Met the most gorgeous men in the most gorgeous dresses!!! They were all so pretty!!! One came dressed in an old Victorian style dress, i almost fell over and died! But alas only one of my gay tribe decided to go in drag... the others pussied out. So here is the pics i promised!

Now After last weekend i was well and trooly stuffed! So i only just got round to coming alive today! I came home from work on Monday and found Boogles locked up in my bedroom. I couldn't figure out why Garry had locked her in there until 5 minutes later when i heard her growling!

Her little boys were trying to mount her!!! ewwwww Im not having four headed incestuous kittens! so i took the boys straight to the vet the next day to have their nuts removed. Boggles is next on my list for desexing.

Anyway, on to the more indepth part of my post...

Are you one of those people that desperately want to loose weight but cant? The kind of person who seems to loose weight but then all of a sudden stops and puts it all back on? Do you say to yourself each day 'i can have some today, i will start my diet tomorrow' and tomorrow say exactly the same thing again? Do you watch other people around you loose weight and talk about how great they are feeling and get all shitty and depressed and feel like a failure because you cant. Do you sleep to avoid the nagging hunger inside you? Do you feel like you were cheated out of a childhood because all your friends could participate at school sports day while you lied about having your period and stayed at home under the covers with a chocolate bar. Do you hate pretty thin girls that are all bubbly and girly that seem to get all the attention? Do you wish that you were one of those girls that could wear whatever they wanted and still look pretty and cute? To be one of those cool chicks that everyone wanted to be and hang around with?

ME TOO!!

I feel like i been cheated of my childhood and my teenage years. Robbed of all the things i should have been able to do but couldn't. Instead i got teased and made to feel an outcast. Great substitute. I have so many problems now because of it. And i sit here some days and wonder what my life would be like now if i had of been a thin girl. What experiences i would have had and what personality i would have? Would i be married with kids now? Would i have a job or be at uni? Would i be happy?

Who knows. I don't. If i could live my life over again there would certainly be some things i wouldn't do again.

However i don't want to wake up in my mid 30's and add young adulthood to that list. I don't want to rob myself of things that i can still yet do before i am too old to do so. I want to run, i want to climb mountains and ride a bike without swallowing it with my ass.

But it's so hard... Its easy to say, but so hard to achieve. Im sabotaging my health, and i am robbing myself of so much. Can you imagine how that feels?

Can someone hand me my eyeballs please?

I seem to have dropped them on the floor somewhere!
Short post to say, yes i had a great weekend, yes i will be putting pics up soon, and yes i am well and truly FOOOKED!
(Oh and yes i kinda cheated on my diet... oops!)
details soon!!!

Oh i look like shit? thanks!

I had one of dem days folks! Yessum i has.

At least 3 people have said to me today " you look all washed out and down, the sparkle has left your eyes and the glow has left your skin."

Hmmm Spanks peeps! I know you care about me but do ya really have to go and tell me at the start of a beautifool day that i look like shit??

I'd be shitty at them if they weren't right. I noticed my skin is all dry and scaly and my face is pale and my hair looks like blood stained straw... And i know why... I'm lacking some serious vitamins in my diet, Plus i just gottet over a serious illness tankyou berry much!

It's nothing a little makeup cant hide till i stock my body up with some vitttamins! Anywho i better go and get ready for work. I start at 4am and Finnish at 7:30 Friday evening and then i gotta rush home to get ready for gay night... YAY!

Alls i know is, Amby gunna be FOOKED on Saturday....(if i even wake up to see it!)

At least Boggy loves me!!! awwwww how could you say no to a face like that!!!

Sleeeeeeeeep

In today's news!!!!!!!

I been awake for the past 57 hours!

I'm dog tired and starting to get those 'tired shakes'. (the feeling like your shaking uncontrollably because your body is saying its had enough!)

So i died in the ass at 3am last night and didn't wake up until 7pm today! Wow the dreams i had were unroool! I felt like i was in a moving Picasso painting! But the part that stands out the most was when i was dreaming i was in a bright sliver fancy looking sports car standing up in it screaming up at the sky "FREEEEEEEDOM" Mel Gibson style(while running through a red light mind you... don't ask me how i was driving!)

Hmm trying to figure out what that means?!

ok so my Monday baby life changing steps didn't exactly happen on Monday, (I forgot i would be doing a 17 and a half hour shift!) so I'm starting all that life changing stuff tomorrow instead. Tonight I'm just going to relax, have a chocolate muffin and watch a dvd while freeing my mind of crap...

I've Finally got round to cleaning my room and doing all the chores that i been putting off. I feel fweeeeeeeeee! Looking forward to going out on Friday night with the gals and boys! its been ages since i went out!

I'm gunna make sure i take lotsa piccys cause its drag nite!!! yehaaaaw

poo poo heads

Yep men a poo poo heads.

Ya know that saying all the good men are either married or gay? Nadda, they are ALL poo poo heads!!

I met a guy through work a while ago and we exchanged numbers, we text and talk nearly everyday for a while, and finally organise to catch up for coffee tonight, and then i get a text saying these exact words... "Hey cupcake! how r u 2day? I'm shutting down the catch up idea with me n u, I've got enough girl stress at the mo! Hope you understand!? Cya! X"

So I'm sitting there totally dumbfounded because only a couple of hours ago he was texting me full on.... And here comes the big Rove moment in my day WHAT THE!!??

Geezus men are real dicks.
I thought I'm not going to do the expected whiney girly thing and blow steam at him, that would be like making him think i actually gave a toss about him texting me or not... giving him the power. So i texted back "Not really but whatever, and they say women are weird. I'm tired as, still at work. No wukkas, it was nice chatting to ya. Will delete your number from my phone. Cya"

And just like that poof it's done.
I'm old enough to be told the truth about things... like the REAL reason why they aren't interested anymore... Why cant they just be honest and come out and say what they REALLY mean like "hey i met someone else" or "I'm not into fat chicks" or even "actually I'm gay!"

That's like one of my all time pet hates. When someone sugar coats things so they don't hurt your feelings... seriously guys, if you don't think you could live with a fat arsed chick with tude Then just farking say so!!!

grrrrrrrrrr

Moving right along...

Brooooom Brooooooom, meep meep!

Ok so right now I'm full of energy when i should infact be sleeping. I start work at 2am tonight... I hate night shift because i don't get to see the daylight :-( But i guess i gotta feed my habits somehow!

So tomorrow i start a new chapter in my life. I'm pulling up my socks and getting right down and dirty with the world and myself. Monday!!!!!! Monday shapes the new beginning for me... (albeit a long time coming!!!) I think I'm ready for a change.

Holy shit around 2 years ago i couldn't leave my bedroom. A year ago i couldn't fit into anything under size 30, and 6 months ago i thought i would never be able to hold down a job. I've come a long way in the last 2 years, and I'm trying not to over do it and fall in a heap, but i think I'm ready for a few more small changes in my life now.

Baby steps... just little ones at first, but now i think I'm ready for a grown up step. So here goes... its one step for Amby... and one giant leap outta depression.

wtf???

There are so many things i could write right about now, so many nasty and horrible things i could say, but I'm not going to, because I'm not like that. I'm fucking hurt. And fucking pissed off to the max!

So writing nasty things about someone would only be lashing out at them to make me feel better and nurse my bruised ego and heart. And that's not something i pride myself on doing.

My last post WAS a depressing i hate the world whinge that i needed to get out, and some of it was directed at a certain friend who reads my blog through their e-mail. He knows who he is, and we sorted out our differences earlier today. It was a case of me being a whiney sooky needy female, and him being a little dense when it comes to noticing when you need a hug!

We have had this discussion before, I'm always there for him to listen to whatever problems he is having, but when i start to talk about mine he changes the subject to how hot the latest guy he is sleeping with is.... It's OK because i understand that's how he is. I accept that.

But like i said, when your upset and down about something, it's kinda hard to be around cheerful people because you don't want to ruin their happiness with your problems and such. I'm a hoarder. I keep my emotions inside because i don't want them to taint others happiness, so when i am down, i hibernate away from people.

Everyone has woe is me days, i just happen to blog mine. I can see how It looks to you, but you got it all wrong and you judged me before you had the chance to digest it.

If anyone took offence to my comment "everyone is too busy to stop and say 'hey, wonder if Amber's OK'...." then I'm sorry... you know how it is when your down and you feel like the whole world hates you? I was having one of those moments. Its not directed at any ONE person in particular.. more at the universe ya know?

And as for my comment "Everyone around me is happy and moving around me and i just cant stand to be around them right now." like i said, i don't want to ruin their happiness with my problems. as stated, its not like I'm shitty at them for being happy, i just need to sort out my problems my way.

when i said " it would be nice to come first for once. but i guess that's what happens when your brought up to think of others before yourself." what i meant was this: My father always instilled in us from the get go that you must always think of others before yourself. so i do. if you re read the sentence again, you will realise that what I'm actually saying is i want to come first for me! make me my number one priority and not everyone else.

Having re read that part, i can see how it looks like i mean i come second in everyone Else's lives, but that isn't what i meant!!! Fark i would hope not to come first anyway!! that would be plain selfish. I simply meant as stated before, i come second in my life before all others.

And as for the sentence "So thanks for caring, thanks for thinking about me, and thanks for all the support you gave me through this tough time.... (*can you smell the sarcasm in the sentence?*)" that was obviously directed at one person and one person only, and if you think it was you, then think again please. He knows who he is, and I've already apologised to him for being a moody bitch over the last few days.

I just needed him to be there for me and instead of telling him i bitched and whinged about it here... I now know that was a mistake and have promised to tell him when i need a hug, just as he has promised to be a little more sensitive towards me.

But that's not what hurt me the most.
I'm feeling sick and angry and sad and betrayed and confused and hurt.
first i was shocked and confused, then came the anger and bitterness, now all i am left with is the sadness and hurt.

Wow, like i said that was fucking harsh...
what a way to pull a person apart and make them feel like utter shit.
I dont know what to say....any suggestions?

ITS MY BLOG AND I WILL CRY IF I WANT TO!!

Peekaboo, yes its me...
I been hiding under a rock... well under my doona anyway.
Wanna know what sends a big girl into a tail spin of depression and illness, that leads her to hide away from the world and everyone in it?
ok, here goes...

So i get back from Warnambool with this really horrible flu, popping panadol rapid like m&m's and a sore throat like you wouldn't believe! I had those white little pimple things all over my tongue and felt tired all the time. Its taken me two weeks to recover from that.

Then just as i gets to feeling a little better i get a call from my doctors surgery telling me to get my ass down to emergency because i was exposed to the influenza A virus! (the one that's been killing everyone!)
So a long course of antibiotics later I'm fine and in the clear, I'm able to go out into the world and touch things again without feeling like I'm gunna kill someone.

Then i experience something i have never experienced in my whole life before. It was horrible and made me feel dirty and violated. I just wanted to crawl into a little ball and hide away from everything. It's not something i really want to blog about, or tell anyone about for that matter, but i gotta get it out of my system somehow, and its easier to write about it than talk about it.

I was inches away from getting raped. I'm not going into details, but I'm talking full on pushed down forced rape. With me screaming stop. I thought i was a brave tough chicky, but i crumbled up and couldn't do anything. (last minute nerves kicked in and i managed to run away half naked outta the joint.)

I keep seeing his face every time i close my eyes, and i feel like I'm constantly being followed.

Everyone around me is happy and moving around me and i just cant stand to be around them right now. (not that I'm not happy they are happy, i just don't feel like being around people who are cherry and talking about how great their lives are going. I'm trying to sort out mine.)

I don't want to sit and drown in my own pool of tears, I'm not wanting to be miserable and do the poor me act, i just really need a good whinge and a sook, i need someone to say 'hey its OK cry away cause I'm your friend and i will always be here'... But I'm kinda feeling like that ain't gunna happen cause everyone is too busy to stop and say 'hey, wonder if Amber's ok'....

Yeah I'm being miserable right now and wallowing, i know that, i don't care, i need to wallow. I need to bitch whinge and moan about whatever i feel like, then i will deal with it and move on. I mean I'm starting to feel a little better now having written this!

If i could wish for one thing in the whole world, i would wish for another me to hang out with, because i know how much i love my friends and family, i know what i would do for them, and i know i come second to all of them... it would be nice to come first for once. but i guess that's what happens when your brought up to think of others before yourself.

So thanks for caring, thanks for thinking about me, and thanks for all the support you gave me through this tough time.... (*can you smell the sarcasm in the sentence?*)

Ok I've had my bitch and rant, I've screamed at the world "fuck you!!"
Now I'm going to start my healing process and get back on my Amby wagon and head towards normality and happiness, whatever that might be for me.

Tonight is the night for timeout....(not the chocolate kind!)

You know i been really tired and shit lately.
Between work and a few emotional upsets. Im just so god damn tired. I feel like i want to curl up in a little ball under my doona and just lay there all day.. Which i know i cant because the house falls apart without me constantly cleaning up after SOMEONE!!! (messy pigggy older stinky housemate~!)

I have decided enough is enough and i am moving out soon.
Im sick of cleaning up after him. And im tired of making excuses as to why i should stay here. Yes i have free access to the net, i can share a house phone and its cheap rent etc... But im 26. I hope to have a proper full time well paid job soon where i can afford to have a nice little 2 bedroom flat all to myself. And decorate it the way i want.

I hate it here. Its dark and dingy and if full of Gary's old man crap!!
Its not a home for me. Its just somewhere i live. So im off to clean up his mess right now, and then im going to have a bath and spend the next hour thinking about whats been troubling me of late.

Im going to write it all out and get it sought out.
Im also going to work on this whole tired emotional thing thats going on too. Maybe i need a good fucking holiday!

Let the flood come

There is a sentence in a song which pretty much sums up what I'm feeling at the moment.... "Let the rain come down, and wash me clean, let it wash away my insanity"

I haven't posted for a while. I guess i been kinda busy with work, life, and being sick AGAIN! But I also been really swept up in my own little emotional whirl wind.

Besides being tired from working my little ass off and being sick with some viral infection that made me feel like i was swallowing razorblades constantly, I been a little emotionally detached. Its kinda hard to explain. But i will give it a crack.

I 've been feeling Betrayed, jealous, angry, hurt, unloved, ugly, lonely, tired, weak, guilty, confused, disappointed, ashamed, wistful, and sad. And all these feelings have been pretty much crammed into the last week. I feel like a tumble dryer that's been overloaded with emotion and I'm going to over heat and explode.

No one really understands how you feel except for yourself. And i know I'm all alone in dealing with this task of sorting through all this emotional crap I'm dealing with at the moment. I just gotta take a day off and go somewhere and forget everything and deal with it one by one.

I feel like every little bit of these emotions are clinging to me like a piece of sticky mud, and its slowly devouring me into a dirty muddy puddle. I feel like i just wanna stand on the top of a mountain and scream at the dark clouds to open up a torrent of rain and feel each little drop wash away the 'muddy' feelings i have.

To be stripped back to nothing but bare clean skin and feel nothing but cool water coursing through my veins, pushing out all the toxins from my body.

I'm ready for the heavens to open up on me....
Let the rain come down.......

How well do you know Ambz?

ME A SMARTIE TOO!

Looks like im not just a pretty face!

Have a go for yourself! http://www.testriffic.com/iq/

Spank me please... and make it extra hard!

I been naughty.....
naughty naughty NOUGH TIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cant tell you what i done, because I'm ashamed of it myself.
I'm feeling rather angry, sad, and above all very disappointed in myself and i have no excuses for my behaviour and no one to blame for the repercussions but me.

Maybe one day when I'm not feeling so guilty about it i might muster up some courage and divulge what i have done. Or maybe when i have rectified the situation... or maybe when hell freezes over! (ooo- errrr I'm sure you will all find out eventually)

I feel so crap about it. But its too late now, i cant undo what is done, all i can do is try to learn and grow from it and restrain myself from doing it again. (and again and again and again...........)

P.s... what does a 26 year old woman say to a Uber hot young boy who proclaims to be 10inch endowed when he asks "would you sleep with a 17 year old???!!!!

I tell you i have been having a massive debate over this in my head for the last few days!!!! (And no i haven't 'done' anything with him yet and it has nothing to do with my guilty secret)

Fucking fucked off!!!

IM SITTING HERE THREE HOURS LATE TO A FRIENDS BIRTHDAY PARTY BECAUSE MY GAY MATE DECIDED SEX WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAT OUR FRIENDS BIRTHDAY PARTY. AND SEEING AS I DECIDED TO LET MY HAIR DOWN AND DRINK FOR ONCE, HE PROMISED HE WOULD DRIVE ME....

YES IM FUCKING FUCKED OFF!!!!

Emotional Amby

Ok, shall i update you on the wonderful world of me?
*Warning* the following involves lots of boring whiney self absorbed crap about weight loss and dieting. (Something which i NEVER blog about)

Like i said, i been feeling shit lately. Tired, emotional, sad, withdrawn. I was really starting to look like i felt too! So i kicked myself in the butt and trundled along to my SureSlim centre and spoke to the lady who is taking care of my program.

(Now Amby is the type of girl that hates to disappoint people, if i cant do something right, or i fail at something, i totally avoid the person or situation and hide out from them, refusing calls and such. I guess i think that if i ignore them long enough they will give up on me and walk away, there fore i don't have to face them with my shame and guilt of failure.)

Well i been doing this with my SureSlim consultant for a while now, and it wasn't doing me any good. So as i walked into the little office i broke down into tears and sat there blubbering. (Amby doesn't cry infront of people!!!) Which is weird, because i like people to think i am strong and dedicated, that I'm going to put my head down and just not feel anything and barrage through the task ahead.

What i forgot to think about was the emotional side of things. I thought "ok loosing this weight is easy, just follow the program and that's it" WRONG!!! What i forgot to take into account is the emotional part of it all. Like the fact that i deliberately (unconsciously) sabotage every attempt at weight loss once i realise its starting to work.

I realised that the reason i do this is because I'm afraid. I'm scared of the unknown. I have been fat for so long, that I'm scared of what life will be like when I'm thinner. sound crazy? well not to me it doesn't. My little layers of fat are what protects me from the world. If I'm upset, i grab a piece of chocolate. If I'm rejected, it's cause I'm fat. If i fail at anything, its because I'm fat. Its a nice excuse for being lazy really.

But also its what i have become used to. and accepted that its who i would be for the rest of my life. "the happy fat friend that everybody likes, but no body loves"

Well anyway, enough waffling, so here i am back on my way to my weightloss journey... And i know once i pass that certain weight that has been my runaway point for years, i will well and truly be on the way to success.

But its not all just about numbers for me... its also about how i FEEL. I been back on my program since Tuesday, and already i have more energy, feel more alert and creative. (i have also lost 1.7kg already!!!)

I'm on my way... I'm on my way to happiness... ah huh ah huh ah huh.

Wake me up before i doe doze!

Man i been soo tired lately... Too many late nights at work.

I'm seriously thinking about quiting so i can see the light of day again. I'm kinda sick of sleeping the days away cause i been up all night.

(Sigh* the life of a shift worker)

I fell off the sure slim wagon and hit my ass on the ground really hard. I haven't been following it at all over the last 4 months and as a result i put on 2kgs. (I know your rolling your eyes and going 2kg... is that all??!! but i tell you 2kg soon becomes 20kg!!! That's how it all starts!)

Plus i think the reason i been tired and sick so often is because my body is screaming at me and telling me its not happy about the shit i been putting in it lately. So i started my program again today! Not looking forward to the next week or so of detoxifying ie: headache, nausea, tiredness, crankiness etc...

I know how good i will feel once its passed, so I'm gunna grin and bear it! Plus i got a wedding to go to in Jan and i am hoping to really shift some blubber so i can wear a nice dress to it. I quit smoking again tonight and I'm quitting caffeine over the weekend... so Amby not gunna be a happy lil chook over the next few days!

Note to impending visitors... beware of cranky fat chick!

what do they say a pictures worth?

He he... my little fairy boy pushing up daisy... look out flies!!! wind tunnel ahead!

Here is that funny pic i been telling you about!

(the one from the chocolate mill!)

And here is a pic i took at 5pm in the evening.

Can you believe the moon was Beaming so bright and full?

My precious babies!!! awww they soo cute. i love watching them snuggle.Umm well as for this one... lets just put it down to the full moon in the previous pic!!!

the update has arrived!!!

OK, i have a spare five minutes and I'm not constantly coughing up a lung, so here goes... take a deep breath!

THE CHOCOLATE MILL:
hmmmmmm, if you are ever in the vicinity, and you happen to be a huuuuuge chocolate lover, i highly recommend you go visit this place!
here is its home page..http://www.chocmill.com.au/
(there is this funny pic i took, but i have to wait till i get usb cord for my new phone to dl it to my PC) The chocolates are divine! Unfortunately Amber being lactose intolerant kinda had to stop three times on the way home from the bloody place!

IF THE SHOE FITS:
OMG!!! attention shoe lovers!! if you happen to be in ballarat i think you should high tail it to the bargain shoe store near Big W!!! they have shoes from $5 to $40. (I bought three pairs for $35, again when usb cable arrives i will post pics)

THE ICY TOWN ESCAPE:
I went to Ballarat for work with a gay mate, and we had the heater on in the hotel room at 32 deggers 24hrs and it was still freeeeezin!!!
Anyway, we went to this pub called the bended elbow, and i shit you not, all the people in there were like oompa loompas! they were all 5ft nothing and looked 16!!! There was like 3 brawls in 10 minutes, and even women were getting hit. So i bailed. But on the way out i was getting bowled over by rude people shoving past me, and i had enough!
I screamed "the next bastard that pushes me over is gunna get it" And he did! I threw the poor bastard into three people and knocked em out like a set of bowling pins! (time for amby to fleeeeeeeeeee)



A DRESS TO KILL FOR:
i went to the BIG CITY CHICK sale. I was camping out on the doorstep the night before and as soon as the doors opened i was like a mad woman possessed! I grabbed everything!!! ended up getting 19 items for $175. However i ended up selling some to my sister and friends. (for what i bought them for.) I bought a dress that my friend bought for $79, i got it for $10. ouchhhhhhhhhh!


THE SECRETS OUT:
OK i think i am starting on the wrong foot with this secret thingy... so I'm going to give it another crack. Updates coming!


WHAT GOES ON INFRONT OF EYES:
here's my daily report on whats hot in the dvd section...
MUST WATCH dvds at the moment are:


BABEL: its soo emotionally gripping and so many twists and turns! (Plus Brad Pitts a great perve!)
APOCALYPTO: Its bold and spooky and very very blood thirsty. (Don't watch it if your squeamish, watch it if you liked Passion of the Christ)
MUSIC AND LYRICS: Funny, romantic, and kinda addictive. (Watch it if you liked Bridget Jones Diary or Notting Hill)
LITTLE CHILDREN: Emotionally raw and very in depth. (i loved this one! An excellent look into humanity and how fragile life can be.
PANS LABYRINTH: Freaky and weird. almost disturbing! (watch it if you like a cross between alice in wonderland meets Schindler's list)
BANDIDAS: A funny feminist movie. (Watch it if you like high noon, only with women instead)
THE FOUNTAIN: Weird and freaky, felt like i was on drugs watching this one. (watch it if you liked the cell)
NORBIT: Disappointing, bit at times a little funny. (watch it if you like the nutty professor)


In my opinion, i would definitely pick LITTLE CHILDREN as my favourite out of the bunch.

And last but not least... Amberisms. Amberisms are words that Amby muffed up in order to create her own little language... just like a furby!

Cereal? = Serious?

OoodlyWrinkles = Bye bye

None of your Frizzies! = none of your business

(I'm still working on some more)

So there ya have it! in the words of Porky... bleep bleep that's all folks!

Coming soon... to a puter near you!

Ok i haven't posted for over two weeks!!!
Holy Mc Grolly!
Seeing as i have the flu atm (yes AGAIN!!! my body hates me!), I'm going to just give you a sneek peak at whats going to be blogged about when i feel a little better...

THE CHOCOLATE MILL (a tale of sweet temptation)

IF THE SHOE FITS (a story about cheap pleasures in life)

THE ICY TOWN ESCAPE (a tale of chilling proportions!)

A DRESS TO KILL IN ( an epic journey through sales)

WHAT GOES ON INFRONT OF EYES ( a documentary on whats on)

THE SECRETS OUT ( a revelation of sorts)

WHATS THE SECRET???

Well thought it was about time i updated on how i was going with this secret thingy mah bobby i been trying out.

Firstly i empowered my thinking into the fact that i was going to make lots of money from work, and that i was going to bag a guy that i been having lustful thoughts over lately.
Outcome: made half of what i usually make at work, and haven't heard from my Mr mc Dreamy. hmmm.

Felt very disillusioned that my positive energy wasn't working and started to think this whole secret thing is hippy shit on crack! However, i made a lot of money over the last few days, and i seem to have snagged a nice young mans attention.

So i have decided to edumickate (my muffed up way of saying educate) myself, and am going into the video store tonight to hire "the secret" and see what it is all about. After all, one cant dance without first learning the steps!

Doo way eey too loo loo

Ok, i know I'm sad, and that its a little childish... but i bought a furby!!!
(Actually i bought two! ones a baby furby)
I have always wanted a furby as a kid but was too povo to actually buy one... but not today!!!

I spent all arvo talking to it in some kinda weird robotic language that resembles Amber after a few too many wines.
So far i have managed to get a joke out of it, a song, and a dance.
It seems to be more interested in the other furby than me... They sit there in the corner talking in their weird little language. Hmm do i smell an uprising? Attack of the Furbies!!!!

If you don't hear from me in the next few days... you know whats happened!

HORNY WARNY~~~

No im not writting about Shane Warne!

Im Back to tell you all about Ambers wonderfoool trip to the place where she lost her virginity at the age of 18!! (Warnambool.... sigh*)

Well my faggy friend Kyle kept me up all night the night before the trip. We shouldn't be left alone together after 10pm, cause garunteed we gunna end up laughing the night away untill the wee hours of the morning! Anywho we got to Warnambool and after one hours sleep Kyle was bouncing around the room begging to go to the beach... This is what i looked like compared to him when we arrived..

Hmmm, i hated him that day!

Anyway, after sleeping a little and eating a lot, we wandered down to the beach at 8pm at night, armed with a torch and a tyre iron for safety! It was friggin freezin!!! I swear my nipples snapped off and floated away with the tide! We went back the next day and took these lovely pics!

Kyle : "look a wave"Kyle: "Oh shit.... RUN!"

Anyway, we spent most of the time shopping and eating, and sleeping, and watching Austar, and eating, and sampling the nightlife, and eating and harrasing the sexy surfer boys... oh and did i mention eating??

The worst thing happened to me!!! Do you remember me writing a post a while ago saying that i was getting eyelash extensions>? Well i got them, and they looked great... for a day or two, then they all started to fall out. (They attatch false eyelash onto your original eyelash with this glue that hardens, and its supposed to fall out when your eyelash grows out naturally.)

So in the end i was left with these black little lumps of glue on the end of my eyelashes, so it looked like a mouse had run across my eyelashes and shat all over them! So i had to cut them!!! (Sniff sniff... i hated my eyelashes to begin with because they grew straight down over my eyes like a horse! But now i hate them even more!! they are like 1/2 mm long!)

Kyle being the wonderful faggy friend that he is helped me super glue false lashes on so that i wouldn't look gimpy for the rest of my holiday! Here is what he did!

Anyway, crisis averted, After four wonderful glorious days of kyle keeping me awake all night in fits of laughter (gay men are such larks!) We headed off home on Sunday morn... On the way we came across this funny st sign

And now for one last pic of me and my gorgeous fake eyelash's...(ps. note to others... superglueing on false eyelashes FARKING HURT!!!)

p.s... is anyone else sick of hearing about Paris Hilton??? I mean for Farks sake is the girl even talented or pretty? Ive seen more personality and intelligence in a steamy fresh dog turd!

LEAVINNNNNNNNNN ON A HYUNDAI

Me is going to Warnambool for work!!!!
I wont be back until Sunday.
So I'm taking my camera and my fag (gay friend) and hitting the road at 7am tomorrow!!

Sorry i haven't been in contact with anyone.. me has been busy.
But i will make it up to you all when i get back with wads of cash!!!

Bring me the world please!

Today i was in a beauty salon called synergie.
I was getting my eyelash extensions re freshed.
And as I'm sitting in the waiting room i pick up a magazine and read the front cover for any interesting stories that i might find inside.

"THE SECRET TO MAKING A MAN YOURS FOREVER" stood out like dogs balls in bright letters.
well being the desperately single woman that i am, i decided that ANY extra information is better than none, so i had a little read.

It was crapping on about 'THE SECRET' which is basically a hairy fairy new age latest craze that states that if you want it, you will get it... (ie: if i think I'm gorgeous and that a guy will be smitten with me, then he will. If i think negative and go 'I'm fat he wont like me' he wont.) Power of positive thinking.

Well me being the cynical little muffcake i am is sitting there going 'ok... obviously some stoned freak wrote this shit! I mean, if i keep thinking that my ex will get back with me and love me forever, doesn't mean its going to happen!! What about the fact that he is married now with kids and i don't talk to him any more??? Sorry but i just see that as ludicrous thinking.

Anywho, i am not the type of person to diss something unless i have tried it first... so for the next two weeks i am going to try this thing out. See how things go. Starting tomorrow I'm going to become a positive mogul... I will let ya know how events transpire my little chicken drummettes!
(check it out for yourself here....http://thesecret.tv/)

P.s... note to self... eating onion rings equals smelly farts!

REEEEEEEE CAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!

Ok. i have so much to recount over the last few weeks...

Firstly... gay night pics.... Well i asked for copies and i am still waiting... But there are a few i took when we did the 'pre drag' makeup and dress.

Nowhere near the quality of the actual night, but something to tie you over till i get a copy of the actual final result!

Me!!!

Yes this is the body of a male!!! I hate him!!!! And his gorgeous legs!

And now onto the next thing...

The wedding....

I went to my ex Fiance's sisters wedding... confused? Me too.. Anyways, The brides name is Anna, and as i dated her brother for four and a half years, naturally our families became close and she became like a little sister to me. However, Jason (her brother, my ex) Was no where to be seen at the wedding... Why? Because he is an asshole.

Its a he said she said fight between them, but regardless he still should have showed up to his only sisters wedding! His half brother has flown all the way from Tasmania with his family to attend the wedding, And Jason even told them he was too busy to catch up with them before they went back. I felt so sad for Anna and her mum and dad.

However, on the up side, it was nice to meet the family that had heard all about me but i never got to meet, and wanna know what was even better? The fact that they absolutely love me to bits and think i am adorable!!! HAHA i mean whats not to love!

But the highlight was getting told by everyone that was there that hadn't seen me for ages that they didn't recognise me cause i lost so much weight! yay HERCULEEEEEEEEESE!!!!! I dunno whats going on, but no matter what i put in my mouth lately, (and i can assure you its all been shit!) I seem to still be loosing weight! Its kinda scaring me actually as I'm not sure if its really that healthy?? My body usually balloons...

Now the Dress!!!

My new dress to go with my new shoes!

mmmmm

And last but not least...

The Man!!!!

Just someone i met on the Internet and had an awesome night snuggling up next to!! (can't wait for the second installment, but he lives in Melbourne.. :'-(

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr

Fark is it just me or did winter come up and bite us in the ass?
I'm freeeeeezing!
And you know what sucks more than anything in this whole wide sucky wucky world in winter???? Well i will fucking Mc tell you.....

BEING SINGLE!!!!!

I hate the fact that i come home to a cold house, and the only person to greet me at the door is my cat. I mean, where is my hug, a 'how was your day honey', a nice warm kiss and cuddle and someone to snuggle up to when its -4 frikking deggers in the morning!????

Being single sucks ass man!
And the reason i am sooo shitty today is because i haven't been laid Since bloody February!!! Where are all the men?
Hellloooooooo!!! horny white female with big titts and no gag reflex wanting to be entertained for at least an hour!!!

Sigh* I'm so desperate for some male affection I'm contemplating a personals add!!! How sad am i???
Ohhh woe is meeeee....
I hate Winter!

I'm building a hot water bottle in the shape of a man.
Wonder if there's a market for that sorta thing.......?

Are you Mc serious!!!???

I cannot believe i have come down with the farking flu again!!!
Same as last time, sore head, snotty nose, sweats, sore limbs, sore throat... blah blah blah..
I must be like the most immune deficient person i know!

Ok, in all seriousness i know why i am sick again, and why i will probably get sick a few more times... Yes my immune system is shot, yes my liver is crabby, and yes i am not eating vitamin filled vegetable or fruits.

Mum is forcing me to go to the doctors tomorrow to see what can be done. Me? I'm sick of them all saying they don't know what it is, and that i should loose more weight.... I'm trying!!!!

So you might not see me for a little while, cause i gotta go pick out a patch of grass to bury myself in.

We are famileeeeeee, i got all my nuffy's with me!

Some times i wonder how i came to be the way i am..
You know, a bit of a nuffy and all.
Well Yesterday i found out.

Me and my mummy were shopping in Lansel Plaza for the day (something we do every Friday) and we both decided it was tinkle time.
I raced ahead of her and made it to the toilets first, and as I'm sitting in my cubicle having a pee, i notice these familiar pair of shoes walk into the cubicle next to me...

hehe, i decided to give mum a fright and grabbed her ankle... (before you start giggling yes it was actually my mum and not a stranger wearing the same shoes) And she shrieked loudly... i thought it was because i had successfully frightened her, but then she started sobbing "some stupid bitch put the seat down and i peed all over myself!"

How could she not know the seat was down? Well, you see, mum doesn't like to sit on public toilets, she kinda pulls her daks down and hovers over the toilet. So i guess her pee kinda hit the lid and bounced straight back off and trickled all down her pants.

I was in fits of laughter, tears running down my face as i was washing my hands in the basin, and women were staring with disgusted and horrified faces at my mums cubicle as she howled "I peed all over myself"
(yes the toilets were packed with women)

When she emerged from her cubicle she had tears running down her face as she was laughing as much as i was. Walking like a saddle sore cowboy, she declared she had to go buy a new pair of pants as hers were soaked. I told her she could stand in the women's toilets with her pants off and dry them under the hand dryer!!!

So we walked (well i walked, she waddled making squishy sounds!) To Millers, where mum promptly picked a pair of pants and raced to the ladies change room. She gave me her card and the tag off the pants and asked if i could pay for them as she was too embarrassed to do it herself. (now i happen to know the salesgirl, so i told her what happened, and she offered my mum a plastic bag to stick her pissy pants in.)

So for mothers day I'm buying her incontinence nappies!!!

But the buck doesn't stop here ladies and gents... oh no no no, there is also the tale of my father, who on the way dropping me off home, decided to stop at a mailbox to put his parcel in. He became very frustrated when he couldn't find the slot for his parcel, and shot me and mum an angry look as we were pissing ourselves laughing at him.

You see, dad was trying to 'post' his parcel through one of those green electrical boxes on the side of the road! I would have forgiven him his stupidity if he had not then next pulled up to a bright red fire hydrant and tried the same thing!!!

D'oh, i hope stupidity is not hereditary?

PHEW....

I been awol recently..
it's been due to work, drag queening and sleep.

Im waiting to get pics of me and my boys (3 gay friends) all dragged up at a function last friday.
When i get them, you will be the first to see!!!

Love comes in a box....

mmmmmmmmmmm

I'm in love.

I have been since i saw them two weeks ago.

So i made a deal with myself, as soon as i got some spare cash, i was gunna go out and show these two sexy babes a night on the town!

aren't they stunnas!!!???

I see the light.... Now get that torch outta my face!

I think i am starting to regain life! yay!
A lot faster than i anticipated.
Thank god!

I was so sick that just walking to the fridge for some OJ (vitamin c folks!) made me struggle to breathe! Now i remember what it was like when i was 20kg heavier!

So what did i do all weekend?
Hmmmm sleep. Get up to pee. sleep. think about getting up to pee. sleep. getting up to pee... and more sleep.
If there is only one reason why i love the flu it's this.... I lost 4kg in three days!!! hooray!!!

Yeah ok i know it's probably to do with the fact that i haven't eaten for four days, or drank anything for that matter.... But i dun care... don't rain on my little parade ok! kewl.

I probably gain it all when i have my first meal for the week! ha!
Anywho... after feeling sick and fugly (translation for fugly = fucking ugly) for the last week, i decided to self tan myself, de fuzz, exfoliate my face and feet, and do my toe nails and finger nails in fakies with acrylic.
I'm quite pleased with my lil self! look....

Still dying...........

what more to say....

CONFOUND IT ALL!!!

As soon as i woke up this morning i knew... i fucking knew!
Might have been the tight feeling in my throat, or the aching in my bones...

Fuck i have the flu!!!
God damn shitty flatmate of mine!!!
I swear he has been creeping in my room at night and breathing his germs on me.

I look like shite! Big dark bags under my eyes, my skin has broke out in pimples, i look all washed out and tired, and my hair is all fuzzzy.
My immune system has officially shut down. And my appearance is paying for it! So i have decided not to venture out of the house for the next 4 days. Hopefully i should be getting better by then.. (gulp!)

I feel all hot and sweaty. Constant headache, snotty nose, flemmy cough, dizziness, and tiredness.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!
I'm melting melting................ oh what a world..............

Manky Monday

I kinda slept all through Sunday after my hospital stint...

And i woke up feeling like shit today.

Mega headache, sore limbs, feeling weak...

I'm hoping it's due to the fact that i slept too much.

See, my flat mate is FULL of the flu!!!! ARGHHHHHHHH!

Everyone i know has the flu at the moment and it's a really bad one at that! Fevers, chills, snotty nose, head cold, coughs and sneezes, the works! And the severity is really bad and it's a real cling on! (in that it lasts for around two weeks)

When i get the flu i die in the ass... and that's only your basic run of the mill flu that does that to me. I fall in my bedroom and do not emerge for at least three days. So I'm kinda hoping i don't catch this one..

Why?? Because if i caught the flu, this house would end up looking like a trash yard... ( With three kittens one cat and a VERY messy 46yr old male to live with that could happen very quickly.)

Not only that, i can't afford to get sick... Amby needs da moooolah to support her addiction to makeup and stuff....

Hmmmm

Do they make contamination bubbles in EXTRA LARGE size?

If so i will have mine in Bright pink with extra sparkle thanks!

Holy Hospital Friday!

Ok ok ok, If you all know me, then ya all will know that as accident and dumbness prone i am, that I have not had a good start to the long weekend!
Here is how the shit started....

I was on my way to a friends place for a good ol' fashioned bonfire and marshy mellows sing along night, when i decided to stop at a petrol station to grab a bottle of soft drink. (i wasn't planning on drinking)
And as I'm walking out to the car i realised i locked my FARKING keys in the car!!! (for like the third time in the last four weeks)

Anywho, i couldn't ring anyone as my mobile was in car, so the kind servo man let me use the servo phone to ring my flatmate up. (spare keys were ontop of fridge at home) sooo my flatmate tells me that he cant find them.... FUCK! i decided to ring my sister.... no answer FUCK FUCK... then i decided to ring my mummy (who lives like 45mins away) she tells me that i should get strapping tape and break into my car. So i hang up and ask the servo dude if he has any around... "no" he says... FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK!!!!

At this point I'm extremely pissed off!
I stand out near my car with my head in my hands just looking like one of those little lost Ethiopian kids on those povo adds on T.V.

Just when i think I'm screwed, a nice young man asks me if i need a hand. He gets on the phone to his dad and asks him to come round with strapping tape!!! YAY!!! I'm saved!!
And would you fucking believe that then my flatmate rings back the servo to tell me he found the keys??? AND after i got off the phone to him, my sister rings the servo to see who was ringing her.... THEN my mum rings back to tell me my uncle is on his way over to help... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

At this stage I'm thinking god is punishing me for breaking my diet and eating that teanie tiny Easter egg... ok medium sized Easter egg.... ok maybe a tad on the large side???

Anyways, Finlay I'm on my way to the bonfire after my flatmate (god bless his old wrinkly perverted ass) Brings me out the spare key...(which i must remember to take out of my purse and attach to vehicle somewhere).

So i arrive, the bonfire is roaring and everyone is looking toasty and sipping their drinks. Was sooooo much fun!!! I hadn't been to a bonny since i was a kid. Felt like i was at one with nature and the world... out in the bush, no one around for miles except for me and a few good mates, smelling the dried gum leaves burning on the fire, listening to the crackling and feeling the toasty warmth on my face...mmmmm heaven!

After a couple of hours, everyone decided to go their separate ways, and there was just me, Bec, and Matt left sitting round the bonny having a good ol' yak. When suddenly i feel a dull pain start to spread across my chest... UH OH!

( A little history on Ambers Anatomy... I have a slight liver malfunction due to past attempts at suicide via medication overload... stupid and selfish i know, but I'm over that now. Anywho... did i say slight liver malfunction?? hmmm well lets put it in the docs terms..."My dear, if you don't stop abusing your body with alcohol, drugs, smokes and other toxic substances, The next party you attend will be your funeral".)

Now there's a sobering thought...
Well apparently not. Cause A fool and her liver are easily parted...

I kinda been doing the exact opposite of what he said, and i been having these little 'episodes' every two months... each time it last longer, hurts more, and they're getting more frequent.

Here's how it starts...

First you start to feel a dull ache in your lower chest... just under the lower half of your rib cage on both sides. (Under the titties) Its kinda like the ache you get when you've been slouched over in a chair for too long and you need to get up and stretch. Only difference is its constant, and it slowly grows in intensity. Eventually the pain gets so unbearable that you start to panic, you take fast shallow breathes, causing you to hyperventilate and go dizzy. The lack of oxygen starves the brain and the body starts to shut down. Your vision goes blurry, and you start to sweat because your in that much pain. Eventually you have no choice but to lay down flat on the floor, cause if you don't, you will pass out and fall over.

Because i sweat, i tend to dash to the nearest bathroom floor and lie down on my tummy with my hands under my head. Bathrooms are good because of three reasons. One: They are private, so i won't have heaps of people oogling at me, making me stress out more. Two: Its cooler and helps with the sweating. Three: The coldness of the floor helps slightly numb the pain... and i mean SLIGHTLY!!!

The intensity grows to the point where I'm whimpering like a child, I can't hear anything because my ears are ringing, I cant see because my vision is blurred, and I feel waves of panic wash through me. I can't talk because i can't take a deep enough breath to be able to communicate.
And the pain feels like i have a car crushing my ribs. (Or as i explained to Bec in my panic state... "IT'S LIKE A FAT PERSON IS SITTING ON ME")

The pain is constant for about 8 minutes, then it slowly starts to ebb away and go back to a dull ache. I can talk and raise my head a little for 3 minutes, and then the second wave hits... The second is usually more painful than the first, and usually lasts around 5 minutes. Then after the pain slowly ebbs away again i feel incredibly tired and worn out. My chest will be sore for the next three days... kinda like the soreness you get when you have been coughing so much when you have the flu.

So I'm halfway through a conversation with Bec, and i start to feel this pain coming on... I'm halfway through explaining whats going to happen, when suddenly i need to make a quick dash to the bathroom before i pass out... Trouble is i only make it to the veranda before i fall to my knees in agony....

Poor Bec and Matt didn't know what was going on. I'm rolling around on the floor like a pregnant sow in labour pains!!! (To top it off, when these attacks happen, i kinda pop off.... Ok i FART!!!) How embarrassment!!! lol. Unfeminine? i know... but I can't help it if my body freaks out and release nervousness gas!!

After my first 'wave' of pain, i slowly raise my head and say in a shaky voice to Bec "I'm so blogging this" (Blogging is a term used for writing in an online diary) Plus i thought it would crack a laugh and loosen the tense worried feelings Matt and Bec were having...

Well bugger me... (And i cacked up laughing about this at the hospital later... everyone was looking at me like i was mental) Bec took off like flash lighting, or as the saying goes, she was all on it like a fat kid on a cupcake! I ain't seen the woman move soo fast Since a guy she took a shining to at Goldies was exiting the building before she had a chance to talk to him.

I looked up to see her little legs and ass flash off to get the camera. Matt scolded her and told her it was a bit inappropriate, to which Bec Excitedly exclaimed "You don't understand the importance of bloggin Matt!!!" hahahahaha I have tears in my eyes now with laughing over recalling the sheer desperation in her voice at the importance of capturing my sorry ass on her veranda in pain, so that i might place a pic of it in my blog.

God i love that woman... She cacks me up!
Later I was told she wanted to take a picture of me all hooked up in the ambulance... But she figured the ambos might think she was a bit weird!!! hmmmm good thinking Bec!

So i spent then next nine hours in hospital.
What a great fucking way to kick start the long weekend!!!
Merry fucking Easter!!!

The only highlight of the whole thing was taking a snap of this hot doc!! Who i swear looks like the spunk off Greys anatomy!!!

Friggin Loser alright!!!

I'm soooo sick of fucking Munalita on the biggest loser.
I refuse to watch the show anymore until the whinging whore is booted out of the house!

Every day its the same fucking sob story.
My god! in the episode i watched tonight the stupid cow cried like 5 times! Like ok... i understand they are pushed to the max emotionally... but fuck! so have i! and do you see me whinging every second?

geezus this woman really is starting to piss me off.
In fact I'm going to start a petition and send it off to channel ten, demanding that they edited her whingy ugly face off the show or the whole of Australia will boycott the rest of this season!

boohooo i want to have kids... boohoo i lost weight... boohoo i put on weight... boohoo I'm happy.. boohoo I'm sad.... she cries about everything!

FUCK OFF MUNALITA!!!!!!!!!!!

Awakenings

I haven't posted over the last few days.
I have been busy *cheeky grin*

I met them...
The person of my dreams.
Killer body, Blonde hair, Green eyes, Tanned, hairless Absolute killer looks....
But enough about the physical stuff.

They're sweet, innocent, Vulnerable, quiet, shy, great company, they make me feel like i am the most important thing in their life.
They're last partner treated them like shit, hit them and told them they were worthless... I kissed their forehead and told them they were gorgeous the way they were.

We spent hours talking, and then spent some in the bedroom, just kissing and exploring each others bodies. They were shaking from nervousness, and anticipation. I brushed the hair off their face and caressed it, i said don't be scared, i will never hurt you.

I can't tell anyone who they are.
Because they are well known and It would ruin their reputation.
I can't tell anyone in my family either.
It has to remain a secret between the two of us.
I've never felt like this with anyone before.
I think i love her already.....

Now do you understand Why it's so hard?

It's moments like these i need a shotgun!

Ok i seriously had a bad day today!
The muff ups keep coming!

This afternoon (prior to buying speaker (refer to last post)) i went to the place where i bought my cd player and had it installed, and had them have a look at it because it was playing up.

After having a lengthy discussion with the UBER DREAMY sales man Lucas (yes i managed to divert my attention from his dreamy eyes and smile to look at his name tag!) about my cd player, i asked him if he had any speakers for the rear of my car for $60.

When we found a suitable pair, i handed him the notes and went to leave with the speakers. He looked at me funny for a second and handed me the money back and said i should hold onto it while he took the speakers out to the car to double check they would fit properly.

I thought nothing of it at the time, and held onto the notes in my hand. We chatted for a bit and i thought (or dared to dream) that he was flirting with me!!! The speakers fit anyway, and i handed him the money. He said that he would duck inside to write me out a receipt, and i followed him so he wouldn't have to walk back out (as he had a customer waiting)

It was on the way back inside the shop where i spied the shamefull item that made the guy look at me funny! There, lying plain as fucking day on the shop floor............................................................................................................................................................... Are you ready for it? Was a bloody empty condom wrapper!!!

Oh the shame!!!! I must have handed him the Bloody thing with the notes, and when he handed them back to me, it must have slipped through the notes and onto the floor!!! Oh my gawd! Bury me now!

Note to self: Never EVER put a used condom wrapper in your purse!!!
Why was a used condom wrapper in my purse? Cause i had sex two weeks ago and being the nice gal i am, cleaned up after myself and placed the wrapper in my handbag. Naturally i forgot it was in there lurking at the bottom of my bag, until today, when earlier my mother was going through my bag, so i discreetly shoved the bloody thing in between my notes so she wouldn't spot it!

Needless to say i grabbed the receipt and fled the shop.
And yes on the way out i avoided the condom wrapper and left it there... staring brazenly out at every customer that would walk in!

Call me Mrs Fix it!

I think i may have made a dick of myself tonight!
I bought some new rear speakers for my car because the last ones were EXTREMELY burnt out and crackly. Anywho, I'm the kinda person who when she wants something done, it has to be NOW! I'm impatient, and no i wont wait!!!

I have watched my ex boyfriend tinker with installing CD players and such, and thought, well bugger it, i will put em in myself! So i drove down to Coles and parked at the top of the carpark under the spotlights and set to work! (I didn't have any lights outside at home and it was dark)

As i was nearing completion of my task, a couple of hoons pulled up in there pimped up rides and blasted their music up loud and started yabbering off at one another, i was going to pack up my things and go, but i thought fark it! I didn't care if they thought i was a bit of a nuffy cause i really wanted to get the job done.

So here i am half sitting/lying down in the boot of my Hyudai hatchback with one leg hanging out fiddling around, and they looked over. (I'm sure they thought i was cutting up a body or something) I guess curiosity got the better of them and they wandered over.

One of the guys asked me if i was ok and needed a hand with something, to which i looked up (Stanley knife in hand mind you!) and said in a rather masculine tone "Na mate, she's right. I'm just installin some new Tweeters"

Ummmm ooooooo -keeeeeey then!
And i ask myself why i can't get a man!??!
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm fiercely independent and men don't like that?... or maybe it has something to do with the fact that i come across as a butch dyke feminist!

MEEEH!

the history of my fat

I remember it was around 7 years ago i weighed around 100kg.
For some of you that may be overweight, but for me it was a good healthy size, cause i have a large bone structure i will never be a small girl.
I remember 100kg saw me at a size 14-16.
The smallest dress size i have ever been as a teenage girl and young adult woman.

I cant exactly remember when it was that i started putting weight on, But i remember it was around the same time i lost my jobs, (i had 4 and lost 2 to financial ruin of business and left the other 2 to work longer hours at the ones that fell through!)

I remember my boyfriend was away a lot, he was an apiarist (bee keeper) so i only saw him for three days, then he would be off again for weeks on end. I know i started having sleeping problems and eating heaps to cure the boredom of having no job and no friends. (They had all gone to different towns)

I became depressed, and suicidal, was hospitalised a few times for a few sad and sorry attempts to end my life. And when it all came crashing down around me i ended up living back at my mothers place where she looked after me till i was diagnosed with depression and put on medication.

Feeling a little better i then moved to Bendigo with my boyfriend and kept on eating to cure my boredom. Then i caught my man in bed with a 15 year old girl. After a long messy two months of arguments and tears, he left me and i was a mess again, i remember the weeks were a blur of tears and sleep. (when i get depressed i sleep all the time, get up for a few hours to pee or drink and go back to bed) My Mother said to me so many times that 'beds are where people die, not live.'

After a few months at a size 30 and 144kgs i decided that in order to attract a new man i needed to loose weight, and i started on a Ultralight diet. Where i lost 15kgs in three weeks. I indeed did meet a man and saw him for about a year, but i slowly put the weight back on. and more! So obviously he left me.

I got depressed again and ballooned up to a whooping 154kgs.

I remember i would sit down watching the biggest looser and eat a whole heap of hot fish and chips and drink coke and eat lollies and chocolate. Madness!

I do remember the day i decided that enough was enough...

I was sitting in the bath tub and i went to get out, and i was stuck. I couldn't even reach my ass properly to wipe it... and masturbation... lets not go there.

So i started my little journey to finding me. And along the way i finally come out of my little cloud of depression. Sure I've had a few bumps and dramas along the way.... (thanks to the wonderful species called MEN!) But I'm determined to not let them influence my feelings or my determination anymore.

Whats the difference between this time and all the other failed attempts?This time I'm doing it for me.

*I weighed myself today, and i am .5kg away from the smallest weight i have ever been in the last 6years!*

Me at 21 and 140+ kg

Ahhhhhhhhh fuck it!

That's it.....
I have decided that men are the root of all evil.
they should be castrated at birth and force fed estrogen tablets for the rest of their lives!

Maybe then they would grow some form of heart and have some sort of moral standards and ethics!

Fuck em all!!!

Lesbianism here i come.

Little girl lost

I feel lost.
I don't know whats going on with me right now, but i know something is up, i can feel it.

I'm sleeping more, not eating, moping around the house, and just generally feeling a little disinterested in life. Sounds like depression? Yeah i know. Been there, have that. I thought i was starting to feel ok, thought i was starting to be normal again, feeling like the old me before depression kicked in.

I'm trying to figure out what it is that has triggered this shit to all come back on me, but i cant seem to pin it down. I know I'm feeling a little on the lonely side of things. But that's not bothered me much before.
I'm loosing weight still, so it can't be that.
Money is not an issue with me much in terms of my happiness.

I'm stumped!
I feel like a little part of me is dying inside, i can feel it slipping away.
And I'm trying desperately to reach out and grab onto it before it disappears into a black void.