tarot tell tale.

I always read my stars...
Call me superstitious i dun care!

heres what it said for today...
Aquarius2/27/2007You'll probably feel like coming out of your shell and expressing your needs and concerns to your partner today. You might decide that some situation you've gotten yourself into might not be to your advantage or that someone else has been taking advantage of you in some way. Whatever the case, the situation is likely to be straightened out one way or another in the next few days.

o0o0o how spooky!

Me, myself and Amber

I'm pretty upset tonight, not crying upset, but more personally hurt upset.
My ego is bruised and my trust and faith in the goodness of people has been drastically reduced.

I'm so disillusioned right now.
I thought i knew people. I thought i was a great judge of character.
But i guess either I'm losing my touch, or i have had the wool pulled over my eyes.

I don't mean to sound up myself, or blow my own trumpet, but i consider myself to have a sound moral structure, and treat people with a great deal of respect and love, regardless of how long or little i have known them for. And i guess i get a little down when i don't get the same kind of treatment in return.

I keep trying to tell myself that my standards are waaaay too high for people to live up to. But its not easy. I was home taught from the age of 10 up to the age of 16, and i lived way out woop woop. So i am a bit socially inept compared to others. In other words, i guess I'm not as hard as other people are.

Am a bit bewildered and confused about a few things going on at the moment, and have to make a few decisions. So I'm going to retire now and have a think.... take care my preciouses!

Second fiddles suck ass

For a long time i have been used to being second fiddle when it came to anything in life (relationships, work, school, friends). It never bothered me much because i was happy to just be considered at all.

I made myself a door mat for people to just walk all over me and rub their feet on. I guess part of it has to do with my need for people to want me and like me. (i hate being hated)

In particular i let a lot of men use me when they felt like it, or when anyone else wasn't available, and then throw me away when they didn't want or need me anymore. Yet somehow they would always end up coming back because they knew i would just let them use me again.

My god i can count at least 27 men i let do this to me, some i wasn't even dating! I'm in a situation where I'm being used at the moment, by someone who i considered a friend (which makes it twice as hard and hurtful). My god do i look stupid?! I fucking knew what was going on before i was told, why didn't you just out with it when it first started?

Before you say ''but you said it was casual fucking Amber, we aren't going out'' let me say to you this... No I'm not jealous, No i don't give a toss if you are fucking someone else, Nor do i care. What pisses me off, is when you all of a sudden stop contacting me, and totally ignore me and treat me different like im a throw away toy because you don't feel like it, or because you are busy fucking someone else and assume im ok with being forgotten. Am i making sense?
ok let me dumb it down for you... one minute your red hot keen to chat and fuck, then someone else winks at you and its icy cold reception i get.

I'm sorry, but i find it rather rude. Especially if i consider you a friend.
Here i am left to wonder if i have said something to offend you, or even if you are alive! Its just plain fucking rude. Would you like it if i all of a sudden i stopped speaking to you? If i was brushing you off and indifferent?

I don't expect you to call me everyday, or to send me love notes, but when you start to develop a repor with someone, and chat regularly and get to know them by developing a friendship, and all of a sudden they ignore you because they aren't horny, or they cant be bothered then its just not nice.

Why is it ok for you to pick up the phone and ask to come over at the last minute and fuck, but yet i cant do that to you? Why is it ok for you to ignore me for days, and then expect me to be polite and cheerful when you contact me. (because everyone else has deserted you.)

'Good ol Amber will be there waiting for me'

Well fuck that! I'm sick of being second best, and I'm sick of being a back up plan when no one else is available. I don't want to be passed up because something better has come along and then picked up again after because it didn't work out.
I'm better than that, and i refuse to let it happen to me anymore.

So i smile politely and say in a sweet voice "Go fuck yourself."

In the words of good ol Mel "FREEDOOOOOOOOOM!"

You don't know how lucky you are to have a car until its gone. I have been bored shitless all week cause i have had no wheels.
I haven't been able to go to my gym, i haven't been able to go to the pool, i haven't even been able to pop down to the shops for a whimsical purchase! Do you know how devastating that is to a woman with money!!!!

I was supposed to get my car back today, but i just rang and it looks like it might not be until tomorrow now... sigh* I would have bought a bike if i didn't think i would look like an elephant peddling on a mini tricycle!
God my butt would swallow the seat! ha!

I'm sooooooooooooooo bored!

Keep your floopin Apple!

As you all know i went to my mumsies place to stay for two days to escape Mr octopus arms as i now call him. (not to his face of course!)
Anywho i had an appointment with the dentist this morning, and i was shit scared!

I haven't been to the dentist since i was like 11yrs old!
I was freaking out at the thought of the pain and the needles... (say whaaaaaat? I've had a tattoo and pierced my tongue nose and eyebrow! Why the fluck am i afraid of needles?)

I'm not scared of the pain, quite the opposite, i love it!
I love the feeling of the adrenaline running through my body, the anticipation and churny stomach (yeah call me a freak) But the part that I'm afraid of is for some reason, my body doesn't like being stuck with a needle.

My blood pressure plummets instantly and therefore i feel like i am going to throw up and faint right in a pile of my own spew. I also sweat. Lie me down, give me a cold damp cloth and put the fan on me and in 5 mins I'm as right as rain and you can implement all the pain you want on me! Its just that first initial jab that sends my body into crisis mode.

Dunno why but ever since i had my gall bladder removed 2 years ago i have been able to withstand any kind of pain. And i am no longer afraid of needles.
I wish i had of taken a piccy of my teeth before hand, cause they did an awesome job! (I had a huge black hole in my tooth and now its all filled in.)

I have 2 more that need fixing before they rot the core and i need root canal that costs $2500. so i am back on the waiting list and looking forward to my next exciting dental appt!
yipeeeeeeeeeee!

HERE IS THE TOOTH THEY FILLED IN.
THE CIRCLE IS WHERE THE HOLE WAS... IT WAS UUUUGE!

A place to reflect

I decided last night that i would go stay at my mums for a few days.
for a few reasons, but mainly because i needed to get away from someone.
He has been pushing the boundaries of my 'bubble' (personal space) for quite a while now, and i am really starting to hate it.

Just casual conversation will be turned into vulgar sexual stuff, and he follows me around the house, and makes any excuse to touch or brush up against me.
And i hate it when he sits down next to me so close that i can feel the heat coming from his breath.

god it sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it!
He knows i don't like him, i have told him over and over again!
Yet still he likes to persist in seeing how far he can go before i turn around and slap him in the face. (and I'm telling you its coming very close to it!)

I had some time to think last night about a situation I'm in at the moment.
two paths lay infront of me. (Bec i think you know what I'm referring to here)
one is leading towards a beautiful garden with golden arches, but the path to the garden is rocky and uncertain and dangerous.
the other path is leading towards a veggie patch, and the path is clear and safe.

Which one do i want to take?
My head is saying obviously the safe path to the veggie patch, even though the garden looks sooooo beautiful and enticing. And if i do take the path to the Garden, it is almost certain that i will end up getting hurt.

I'm stuck at a cross roads, and i know i am unwillingly walking down that garden path already, and I'm trying desperately to turn back and run as fast as i can away from it.... But damn those Arches as so shiny and gorgeous!

Whats a gal to do?

Go away little black rain cloud!!!

I dunno whats going on with my luck at the moment, but geezus its been nothing short of farking shitty lately!!
Turns out little miss dumbass me burnt out clutch pad in car (since when did autos have clutches?) I don't know till tomorrow arvo how much is gunna cost to fix... but worst case scenario... and most likely...$2700.

Sorry but i feel a case of tourettes coming on... shit.fuck.poo.bum.sex.!!!

So my mum and me have decided to hatch a plan....
I'm to go to TAFE and do a course in mechanics, killing two birds with one stone... pretending to learn how not to fuck up my car, whilst scouting a husband who can do it for me! haha!

Do'h.

Amber the dumb ass

Well, i spent Valentines at a girlfriends drinking wine and feeling a bit miserable at the thought of being alone yet another V day.
We both sat there and said cheers to us.
(both being late 20s and single)
Later i ended up road tripping it up to Maroopna... *grin*

Anyways, i was driving my car home today and alls of a sudden i hear this loud POP sound... i shit myself because i thought i had blown a tyre... Then i felt a warm fluid running down my forehead... i thought i had been shot and i was bleeding, my life flashing before my eyes...

But as the fluid ran down my face and into my mouth i realised it tasted like wine! Yep! you guessed it. Half of last nights wine was rolling around on the car floor and the build up of gas made the cork pop off and send wine all over my nice new car, showering me in thre process!!!

It stinks like a brewery and the windows are all sticky...
But wait.... there's more..... fuck the steak knives, what happened next was worse! My auto decided it would give up the ghost.
So i had to rev the shit outta the poor little car to get home.

But wait... there's still more.... call within the next five minutes and i will tell you how stooopid dumb ass me decided the reason why my car wasn't running smoothly was because there wasn't enough oil in it.... and proceeded to fill it up... ALL FOUR LITRES!!!

And i wondered why my car was blowing out smoke like a chimney.
I had one lady run up to me screaming that my car was on fire!
lol

To cut a long story short, i have decided to place an add in the paper for a part time husband, duties include fixing car and shagging me silly....
Any takers?

Its my party and i will spew if i want to.

*WARING, SEXUALLY EXPLICIT SHENANIGANS*

o0o0o boy i feel sick.
I had a family do for my birthday. A barbie and a swim in the pool.
We then proceeded to drink and dance around like dickheads.
After my family left though, a married friend of mine rang up to tell me she had a few people at her place, and invited me over for a game of pass out.... this game is pure EVIL!

My god pass out is exactly what i did!
Flat out on my back in their lounge room floor.
But i woke up later to feel someone touching me and running their hands up my legs in the dark. I didn't know who it was, but soon figured it must have been a female because i felt her nails and her long hair on my skin. I soon woke up when she started licking me gently.

After a few minutes of pleasure I got up, took my clothes off and lent her back on the couch and started returning the favour... She had a nice smooth pussy, and i gently kissed my way up her thighs and moved to her clit. While i massaged that with my tongue i slipped a finger inside her and started masturbating her. Slowly and gentle at first, then moving in and out faster and faster, matching the pace with my tongue.

She grabbed my head and moaned for me to keep going, while gently bucking her hips, rubbing her pussy on my face. As she was getting closer to climax, i was surprised to feel a second pair of hands on my back, running down to my ass and then between my legs, fingers then exploring my pussy. (at this stage i realised it was my friend and her husband)

I grabbed his hand and guided him to her pussy, and run my hands down to his cock, gently pulling on it while he was tasting her pussy. I told him that by the sounds of her moaning she needed to be fucked. I lay back down on the floor while she Knelt down and started licking me again. Her husband positioned himself behind her and started fucking her doggy. Just as he was cumming, their two year old boy woke up and started crying...

I was left lying on the floor, feeling a little dissatisfied.
So i picked up my clothes and mumbled that i had to go home as i was tired. So i walked home in the rain, pulled my wet clothes off, jumped in the shower and played with myself until i came. Then went to bed and slept for a good solid 8 hours.

I got a text message earlier.
I have been invited round their place Wednesday night, because apparently she hasn't finished with my body yet.
Hmmmm, As far as her husband goes, I'm not interested in fucking him.
But I'm damn looking forward to her keeping her promise!

The story of the Trolley...

I went shopping today with my mum, dad and older sister.
We go shopping every Thursday. Kinda like a family thing.
Anyway, i unpacked all the groceries into the boot of the car and went to return the trolley to the trolley bay. I looked around and couldn't see the nearest bay, so i paused for a second and thought about ditching the trolley in a vacant car spot.

I don't know why, but i didn't. I proceeded to wheel the damned thing all the way to the front of the store where a few other lone trolleys had accumulated. I didn't think anything of it. However, later i was sitting on the couch with my mother, when she grabbed my hand and said "Its good to be here talking with you" I asked her what was going on in her head.
She told me that her and dad watched me return the trolley, and that they were both really proud of me, because the 'old' me would have just left it in the nearest resting spot.

I laughed and shrugged the whole thing off. But now that i have had time to think about it, I'm also proud of me too. Because a simple act of going a few extra metres with a trolley makes two points stand out to me... number one being that I'm being responsible in returning the trolley to its rightful place. Number two (and the more important point i think) Is that it shows me how far i have come in the last couple of months.

If you guys knew me, if you knew what i was like, you would see the huge changes that have happened within me. Not just physical changes, not just changes to do with dieting, but also emotional and mental changes as well. I no longer suffer panic attacks. I no longer care about what other people think of me. I no longer want to lie around and watch life pass me by. I want to be in it. I want to be involved. I CARE about me now.

Anyway, enough of the emotional hippy talk... ITS MAH BIRFDAY SOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!
sigh* sucks to be classed as late twenties now...
Still single, still don't own a house, still no babies, and still no white picket fences. But you know what? I don't give a shit. Cause i have everything i need for now.

Gimme a minute!

I'm stuffed!
I been working pretty full on and been in hot demand!
And when i aint been working, i been cleaning this house (is hard picking up after a 46year old man you know!) and cleaning the jungle that we call a backyard. I haven't had time to go to the gym and i feel bad.

I cant even go tomorrow cause I'm busy all day tomorrow too!
But i NEED to make a time to do it cause i feel soooooooooo guilty for not going. bad bad bad Amby...

I spent yesterday arvo beating the heat by going to the pool with my girlfriend. She is a size 12. Was weird to know that she felt just as conscious about her body in bathers as i did. So we devised a plan to drop our towels near the edge and make a run for the pool before anyone seen our wobbly bits... HA! there goes a big black blur of flab towards the pool!

Anyway, after that we went out to tea at a pub. And just had a good yak. Was fun. i had a blast. I know this may be hard for some people to understand, and i tried to explain to my friend why i was so excited about it, but I'm going to attempt to explain... see a few months ago, (at 154kgs) i was so depressed that i wouldn't even leave my bedroom. I would sleep the days away to escape society and its cruel stares, and spend all night watching movies and eating junk food.

And now here i am, out amongst society, swimming in bathers! eating at a pub in front of 12 or so hot spunky guys playing pool, being alive and being part of life. It was so weird to ring up my gf and say, hey lets go swimming, because i have NEVER done anything that involves activity with her.

I feel so ALIVE!
Now all i have to do is squeeze in a trip to the gym.... hmmm.
According to Beck's challenge i have to haul ass in the morning and get that walk in! Ok, here's my challenge then... Gym opens at 7am. I'm going to be there at 7:30am and get home at 8:30am, just in time for pool guy to come clean my pool! yay! (which means amby has to be awake at 7... gulp! wish me luck... let ya know how i go)

Raindrops on Roses?

Whiskers on kittens?

I'm no Julie Andrews, but i wanna know what are your favourite things?
Me, i love anything beautiful. And to me, almost anything can be beautiful. Like for instance, i love the smell of freshly cut grass.
I love the feel of dewy grass under my feet.
Hearing a baby giggle, having my body pampered etc...

So I'm off to the salon this arvo to have my eyelashes permed and dyed!
YIPEEEEEEEE!!!!
Those who know me know i have eyelashes like a horse... they go straight down over my eyes. (i tend to sleep on my face)
And i fucking hate my eyelashes, having to curl them all the time...
sooooooooo... off i go!

Wanky wankers!!!

I'm pissssed!!!
With a capitol P!!!!

Fucking e-bay wont let me bid on anymore items OR let me contact my current bids sellers because my e-mail addy needs updating! (registered with an e-mail address ages ago when i was using net through optus, and you have to either have credit card details or a current paid e-mail addy to be a member.)

Because my flatmate is an e-bay member, i cant register with his e-mail addy, (ISP in his name) i don't believe in credit cards, and no one i know will give me their details to place on e-bay!

Wanky wanky e-bay fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grrrrrrr!

Motivating the dead...

I went to the gym today again!
AND... i passed up kfc last night. HAHA. I'm a fitness freak!
hmmm well maybe not quite yet.



I ummed and ahhed about getting out of bed this morning and going. Was a lil tired cause i didn't go to bed last night till 3am. But i hauled ass and went! HERCULEEEEESE!!! I'm my own little Hercules!



I'm proud of myself today. I declined junk food, went to gym, paid all out standing debts, and refused to go and waste what money i have left on unnecessary shit.



Me and my mum and my sister went shopping yesterday and we went into a store called big city chic (fat chicks clothes store with uber modern kick ass, but expensive clothes) Anywho, we tried on all these dresses and i couldn't believe that i could squeeze into them!!! they were 2 sizes down from what i used to be 2 months ago! (not telling size..a lady doesn't divulge her secrets!)



I felt so wonderful to shimmy around in the dresses, even though my mum did say i looked like a fat blueberry in one of them! lol. I love my mum, if ever i want a harsh honest opinion (and sometimes when i don't) she is the one to get it from!



I wanted to buy everything in there, but as my mum pointed out bleakly, there is no point because i probably wont fit into them in a month or so anyway. (she brought in my skirt three times already!)



Here's my sis... aint she pwetty?