Oh i look like shit? thanks!

I had one of dem days folks! Yessum i has.

At least 3 people have said to me today " you look all washed out and down, the sparkle has left your eyes and the glow has left your skin."

Hmmm Spanks peeps! I know you care about me but do ya really have to go and tell me at the start of a beautifool day that i look like shit??

I'd be shitty at them if they weren't right. I noticed my skin is all dry and scaly and my face is pale and my hair looks like blood stained straw... And i know why... I'm lacking some serious vitamins in my diet, Plus i just gottet over a serious illness tankyou berry much!

It's nothing a little makeup cant hide till i stock my body up with some vitttamins! Anywho i better go and get ready for work. I start at 4am and Finnish at 7:30 Friday evening and then i gotta rush home to get ready for gay night... YAY!

Alls i know is, Amby gunna be FOOKED on Saturday....(if i even wake up to see it!)

At least Boggy loves me!!! awwwww how could you say no to a face like that!!!

Sleeeeeeeeep

In today's news!!!!!!!

I been awake for the past 57 hours!

I'm dog tired and starting to get those 'tired shakes'. (the feeling like your shaking uncontrollably because your body is saying its had enough!)

So i died in the ass at 3am last night and didn't wake up until 7pm today! Wow the dreams i had were unroool! I felt like i was in a moving Picasso painting! But the part that stands out the most was when i was dreaming i was in a bright sliver fancy looking sports car standing up in it screaming up at the sky "FREEEEEEEDOM" Mel Gibson style(while running through a red light mind you... don't ask me how i was driving!)

Hmm trying to figure out what that means?!

ok so my Monday baby life changing steps didn't exactly happen on Monday, (I forgot i would be doing a 17 and a half hour shift!) so I'm starting all that life changing stuff tomorrow instead. Tonight I'm just going to relax, have a chocolate muffin and watch a dvd while freeing my mind of crap...

I've Finally got round to cleaning my room and doing all the chores that i been putting off. I feel fweeeeeeeeee! Looking forward to going out on Friday night with the gals and boys! its been ages since i went out!

I'm gunna make sure i take lotsa piccys cause its drag nite!!! yehaaaaw

poo poo heads

Yep men a poo poo heads.

Ya know that saying all the good men are either married or gay? Nadda, they are ALL poo poo heads!!

I met a guy through work a while ago and we exchanged numbers, we text and talk nearly everyday for a while, and finally organise to catch up for coffee tonight, and then i get a text saying these exact words... "Hey cupcake! how r u 2day? I'm shutting down the catch up idea with me n u, I've got enough girl stress at the mo! Hope you understand!? Cya! X"

So I'm sitting there totally dumbfounded because only a couple of hours ago he was texting me full on.... And here comes the big Rove moment in my day WHAT THE!!??

Geezus men are real dicks.
I thought I'm not going to do the expected whiney girly thing and blow steam at him, that would be like making him think i actually gave a toss about him texting me or not... giving him the power. So i texted back "Not really but whatever, and they say women are weird. I'm tired as, still at work. No wukkas, it was nice chatting to ya. Will delete your number from my phone. Cya"

And just like that poof it's done.
I'm old enough to be told the truth about things... like the REAL reason why they aren't interested anymore... Why cant they just be honest and come out and say what they REALLY mean like "hey i met someone else" or "I'm not into fat chicks" or even "actually I'm gay!"

That's like one of my all time pet hates. When someone sugar coats things so they don't hurt your feelings... seriously guys, if you don't think you could live with a fat arsed chick with tude Then just farking say so!!!

grrrrrrrrrr

Moving right along...

Brooooom Brooooooom, meep meep!

Ok so right now I'm full of energy when i should infact be sleeping. I start work at 2am tonight... I hate night shift because i don't get to see the daylight :-( But i guess i gotta feed my habits somehow!

So tomorrow i start a new chapter in my life. I'm pulling up my socks and getting right down and dirty with the world and myself. Monday!!!!!! Monday shapes the new beginning for me... (albeit a long time coming!!!) I think I'm ready for a change.

Holy shit around 2 years ago i couldn't leave my bedroom. A year ago i couldn't fit into anything under size 30, and 6 months ago i thought i would never be able to hold down a job. I've come a long way in the last 2 years, and I'm trying not to over do it and fall in a heap, but i think I'm ready for a few more small changes in my life now.

Baby steps... just little ones at first, but now i think I'm ready for a grown up step. So here goes... its one step for Amby... and one giant leap outta depression.

wtf???

There are so many things i could write right about now, so many nasty and horrible things i could say, but I'm not going to, because I'm not like that. I'm fucking hurt. And fucking pissed off to the max!

So writing nasty things about someone would only be lashing out at them to make me feel better and nurse my bruised ego and heart. And that's not something i pride myself on doing.

My last post WAS a depressing i hate the world whinge that i needed to get out, and some of it was directed at a certain friend who reads my blog through their e-mail. He knows who he is, and we sorted out our differences earlier today. It was a case of me being a whiney sooky needy female, and him being a little dense when it comes to noticing when you need a hug!

We have had this discussion before, I'm always there for him to listen to whatever problems he is having, but when i start to talk about mine he changes the subject to how hot the latest guy he is sleeping with is.... It's OK because i understand that's how he is. I accept that.

But like i said, when your upset and down about something, it's kinda hard to be around cheerful people because you don't want to ruin their happiness with your problems and such. I'm a hoarder. I keep my emotions inside because i don't want them to taint others happiness, so when i am down, i hibernate away from people.

Everyone has woe is me days, i just happen to blog mine. I can see how It looks to you, but you got it all wrong and you judged me before you had the chance to digest it.

If anyone took offence to my comment "everyone is too busy to stop and say 'hey, wonder if Amber's OK'...." then I'm sorry... you know how it is when your down and you feel like the whole world hates you? I was having one of those moments. Its not directed at any ONE person in particular.. more at the universe ya know?

And as for my comment "Everyone around me is happy and moving around me and i just cant stand to be around them right now." like i said, i don't want to ruin their happiness with my problems. as stated, its not like I'm shitty at them for being happy, i just need to sort out my problems my way.

when i said " it would be nice to come first for once. but i guess that's what happens when your brought up to think of others before yourself." what i meant was this: My father always instilled in us from the get go that you must always think of others before yourself. so i do. if you re read the sentence again, you will realise that what I'm actually saying is i want to come first for me! make me my number one priority and not everyone else.

Having re read that part, i can see how it looks like i mean i come second in everyone Else's lives, but that isn't what i meant!!! Fark i would hope not to come first anyway!! that would be plain selfish. I simply meant as stated before, i come second in my life before all others.

And as for the sentence "So thanks for caring, thanks for thinking about me, and thanks for all the support you gave me through this tough time.... (*can you smell the sarcasm in the sentence?*)" that was obviously directed at one person and one person only, and if you think it was you, then think again please. He knows who he is, and I've already apologised to him for being a moody bitch over the last few days.

I just needed him to be there for me and instead of telling him i bitched and whinged about it here... I now know that was a mistake and have promised to tell him when i need a hug, just as he has promised to be a little more sensitive towards me.

But that's not what hurt me the most.
I'm feeling sick and angry and sad and betrayed and confused and hurt.
first i was shocked and confused, then came the anger and bitterness, now all i am left with is the sadness and hurt.

Wow, like i said that was fucking harsh...
what a way to pull a person apart and make them feel like utter shit.
I dont know what to say....any suggestions?

ITS MY BLOG AND I WILL CRY IF I WANT TO!!

Peekaboo, yes its me...
I been hiding under a rock... well under my doona anyway.
Wanna know what sends a big girl into a tail spin of depression and illness, that leads her to hide away from the world and everyone in it?
ok, here goes...

So i get back from Warnambool with this really horrible flu, popping panadol rapid like m&m's and a sore throat like you wouldn't believe! I had those white little pimple things all over my tongue and felt tired all the time. Its taken me two weeks to recover from that.

Then just as i gets to feeling a little better i get a call from my doctors surgery telling me to get my ass down to emergency because i was exposed to the influenza A virus! (the one that's been killing everyone!)
So a long course of antibiotics later I'm fine and in the clear, I'm able to go out into the world and touch things again without feeling like I'm gunna kill someone.

Then i experience something i have never experienced in my whole life before. It was horrible and made me feel dirty and violated. I just wanted to crawl into a little ball and hide away from everything. It's not something i really want to blog about, or tell anyone about for that matter, but i gotta get it out of my system somehow, and its easier to write about it than talk about it.

I was inches away from getting raped. I'm not going into details, but I'm talking full on pushed down forced rape. With me screaming stop. I thought i was a brave tough chicky, but i crumbled up and couldn't do anything. (last minute nerves kicked in and i managed to run away half naked outta the joint.)

I keep seeing his face every time i close my eyes, and i feel like I'm constantly being followed.

Everyone around me is happy and moving around me and i just cant stand to be around them right now. (not that I'm not happy they are happy, i just don't feel like being around people who are cherry and talking about how great their lives are going. I'm trying to sort out mine.)

I don't want to sit and drown in my own pool of tears, I'm not wanting to be miserable and do the poor me act, i just really need a good whinge and a sook, i need someone to say 'hey its OK cry away cause I'm your friend and i will always be here'... But I'm kinda feeling like that ain't gunna happen cause everyone is too busy to stop and say 'hey, wonder if Amber's ok'....

Yeah I'm being miserable right now and wallowing, i know that, i don't care, i need to wallow. I need to bitch whinge and moan about whatever i feel like, then i will deal with it and move on. I mean I'm starting to feel a little better now having written this!

If i could wish for one thing in the whole world, i would wish for another me to hang out with, because i know how much i love my friends and family, i know what i would do for them, and i know i come second to all of them... it would be nice to come first for once. but i guess that's what happens when your brought up to think of others before yourself.

So thanks for caring, thanks for thinking about me, and thanks for all the support you gave me through this tough time.... (*can you smell the sarcasm in the sentence?*)

Ok I've had my bitch and rant, I've screamed at the world "fuck you!!"
Now I'm going to start my healing process and get back on my Amby wagon and head towards normality and happiness, whatever that might be for me.

Tonight is the night for timeout....(not the chocolate kind!)

You know i been really tired and shit lately.
Between work and a few emotional upsets. Im just so god damn tired. I feel like i want to curl up in a little ball under my doona and just lay there all day.. Which i know i cant because the house falls apart without me constantly cleaning up after SOMEONE!!! (messy pigggy older stinky housemate~!)

I have decided enough is enough and i am moving out soon.
Im sick of cleaning up after him. And im tired of making excuses as to why i should stay here. Yes i have free access to the net, i can share a house phone and its cheap rent etc... But im 26. I hope to have a proper full time well paid job soon where i can afford to have a nice little 2 bedroom flat all to myself. And decorate it the way i want.

I hate it here. Its dark and dingy and if full of Gary's old man crap!!
Its not a home for me. Its just somewhere i live. So im off to clean up his mess right now, and then im going to have a bath and spend the next hour thinking about whats been troubling me of late.

Im going to write it all out and get it sought out.
Im also going to work on this whole tired emotional thing thats going on too. Maybe i need a good fucking holiday!

Let the flood come

There is a sentence in a song which pretty much sums up what I'm feeling at the moment.... "Let the rain come down, and wash me clean, let it wash away my insanity"

I haven't posted for a while. I guess i been kinda busy with work, life, and being sick AGAIN! But I also been really swept up in my own little emotional whirl wind.

Besides being tired from working my little ass off and being sick with some viral infection that made me feel like i was swallowing razorblades constantly, I been a little emotionally detached. Its kinda hard to explain. But i will give it a crack.

I 've been feeling Betrayed, jealous, angry, hurt, unloved, ugly, lonely, tired, weak, guilty, confused, disappointed, ashamed, wistful, and sad. And all these feelings have been pretty much crammed into the last week. I feel like a tumble dryer that's been overloaded with emotion and I'm going to over heat and explode.

No one really understands how you feel except for yourself. And i know I'm all alone in dealing with this task of sorting through all this emotional crap I'm dealing with at the moment. I just gotta take a day off and go somewhere and forget everything and deal with it one by one.

I feel like every little bit of these emotions are clinging to me like a piece of sticky mud, and its slowly devouring me into a dirty muddy puddle. I feel like i just wanna stand on the top of a mountain and scream at the dark clouds to open up a torrent of rain and feel each little drop wash away the 'muddy' feelings i have.

To be stripped back to nothing but bare clean skin and feel nothing but cool water coursing through my veins, pushing out all the toxins from my body.

I'm ready for the heavens to open up on me....
Let the rain come down.......