Don't cry for me Argentina...

Massive thoughts emotions and feelings going on in my head lately.
So I'm feeling the need to just spit it all out and save myself the mess of tears.
(I find that a good dose of writing it all down makes me feel better)

I'm angry, pissed, sad, and scared.
And so god damn tired.

So here it is, my news, my update, my life.
I feel like i been put on pause, and the whole world is moving around me still, and i can't seem to catch up on what i missed out on.
Everyone i know is shitty and angry at me for not ringing them or seeing them.
Everyone is pulling my arms and begging me to come out.
But I'm not the kinda person who likes to rain on someone Else's parade. In that if I'm miserable or hurting inside bad, i don't want to be the person in the corner who is a stick in the mud or a wallower, don't even think about calling me 'someone who is always looking down at her feet miserably'. Because I'm not.... honestly I'm not, though it may seem that way to you lately.
So here is my confession...

I have stage two cervical cancer. Along with cysts on my ovaries due to POCS. (polysytic ovarian syndrome) and i also have acute liver failure due to something that happened to me a few years ago.

I knew several days before Christmas about it all. But i kept it silently because i didn't want to ruin Anyone's Christmas. It's hard to go through a life threatening illness all alone. And there were so many times i nearly broke down and just gave up. But I'm still here now, right now and right this moment. And i can choose to run, or i can choose to fight.

It ain't gunna be pretty, and i know i have a very hard couple of months ahead of me, so if i seem a little distant and preoccupied, please understand that I'm fighting not only for myself, but for the day, the hour, the minute, and even the seconds that tic by when I'm with you, or when I'm thinking about you.

In the Musical Evita, Madonna sings "Don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is i never left you" And i guess I'm asking you to do the same.

I'm sorry mum. But please understand why i had to do this.
I love you.
And i don't want your tears or sorrow to cast a shadow on our life.
Just smile for me.
And hold my hand tight.
I'm very scared and in so much darkness.

I need you to help me be strong, so please don't handicap me by pitying me or by being depressed and sad over me. And when we are in doubt, and feel a lump of sadness well in our throats, we shall sing to one another with love and hope in our hearts...

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

NO OFFENCE BUT FUCK CHRISTMAS.

Sorry all, but i really hate christmas, always have always will.
It's for a few reasons really.
But i can't be assed going into it atm, maybe next post.

Haven't had time to scratch my ass between work and hospital and doctors.
Forgive me for not contacting any of you over the last month.
Don't want to talk about it just yet im still swimming in uncertainty and tears.
Even though i haven't msged or seen anyone, doesn't mean i haven't been thinking about you all.
For lack of a better word, and even though it kills me to say it... Merry Xmas.

Two words you don't want to hear...

Cervical Cancer.

will be back when i have digested them.

My sincerest appologies

to all my friends who i haven't contacted and spoken to lately.
For the ones who i have stood up and the ones i broke promises to...
Im appologising.

You know who you all are.
I can't explain how sorry i am.
But in a couple of days when it's all sorted and dealt with i will come forward with my lame but just excuse for being a bad friend...

Amby

Bing Bong!

You know i been working hard lately.
And i been thinking gosh i should update my blog.
and then i got to thinking what is the point of a blog?
Perhaps Some people write to let others know how they are? Or maybe some people like to just fill in their day's of boredom...? Who knows why they do it? i sure don't.... But i can tell you why i do.

I'm a bit of an OCD freak. (Obsessive compulsive disorder) And i have this NEED to write and plan everything out. I HAVE to be in control. Its frustrating at times, you have no idea how many times i write out my shopping list and then check and re-check like a zillion times. I walk around my house and constantly repeat in my head things that have to be done... i wipe and re wipe benches.

So i write in my blog for a few reasons, to vent, to think, to help me understand a few things about myself that i normally wouldn't have, and to provide my friends with some entertainment from time to time with my stupidity.

So today I'm hanging out with my gay friend Kyle, and he says to me "You know what Amber, you have three bad habits, and all your problems are tied into those bad habits... You have a low self image, you feel bad about yourself so you go out and spend money on crap you don't need to make yourself feel better, then when that doesn't work, you buy junk food and try to eat yourself to happiness, but then you get even more depressed because you see that as failure at looking slim and beautiful, so you stress yourself out and smoke... it's a vicious circle you keep running in."

*blink blink* moment.....

You know he's right.
I felt like an idiot for spending the last two months trying to figure out what was going on and he tells me in 5 minutes.

So now that's sorted and put in my 'to deal with in a week' box.
I'm also going to the Doctors tomorrow to have 'the talk' which i am dreading. I know I'm sick again... (one day when i feel like it i will explain what i have) I'm just not looking forward to them telling me exactly how far i managed to push my health into red alert mode this time.

My doctor tells me I'm like slowly committing suicide. Like a drug addict or a smoker, I know what i am doing in my lifestyle is potentially life threatening, but i can't seem to stop. So that's some shit i gotta deal with tomorrow when i go to see them. So this is in my 'deal with tomorrow' box.

I have told work that at the end of December i am no longer going to be taking on as much work as i have been. Sure the money is nice, and i have become accustomed to a rich lifestyle (i spent over a grand alone today on stuff i might later tell you about) But i have always said that i would rather be poor and happy then rich and miserable. And at the moment i am miserable.

So After Christmas is dealt with, and My car registration is paid (which i think should be around Jan) Im cutting half my workload down. It's my promise to me.