NO OFFENCE BUT FUCK CHRISTMAS.

Sorry all, but i really hate christmas, always have always will.
It's for a few reasons really.
But i can't be assed going into it atm, maybe next post.

Haven't had time to scratch my ass between work and hospital and doctors.
Forgive me for not contacting any of you over the last month.
Don't want to talk about it just yet im still swimming in uncertainty and tears.
Even though i haven't msged or seen anyone, doesn't mean i haven't been thinking about you all.
For lack of a better word, and even though it kills me to say it... Merry Xmas.

Two words you don't want to hear...

Cervical Cancer.

will be back when i have digested them.

My sincerest appologies

to all my friends who i haven't contacted and spoken to lately.
For the ones who i have stood up and the ones i broke promises to...
Im appologising.

You know who you all are.
I can't explain how sorry i am.
But in a couple of days when it's all sorted and dealt with i will come forward with my lame but just excuse for being a bad friend...

Amby

Bing Bong!

You know i been working hard lately.
And i been thinking gosh i should update my blog.
and then i got to thinking what is the point of a blog?
Perhaps Some people write to let others know how they are? Or maybe some people like to just fill in their day's of boredom...? Who knows why they do it? i sure don't.... But i can tell you why i do.

I'm a bit of an OCD freak. (Obsessive compulsive disorder) And i have this NEED to write and plan everything out. I HAVE to be in control. Its frustrating at times, you have no idea how many times i write out my shopping list and then check and re-check like a zillion times. I walk around my house and constantly repeat in my head things that have to be done... i wipe and re wipe benches.

So i write in my blog for a few reasons, to vent, to think, to help me understand a few things about myself that i normally wouldn't have, and to provide my friends with some entertainment from time to time with my stupidity.

So today I'm hanging out with my gay friend Kyle, and he says to me "You know what Amber, you have three bad habits, and all your problems are tied into those bad habits... You have a low self image, you feel bad about yourself so you go out and spend money on crap you don't need to make yourself feel better, then when that doesn't work, you buy junk food and try to eat yourself to happiness, but then you get even more depressed because you see that as failure at looking slim and beautiful, so you stress yourself out and smoke... it's a vicious circle you keep running in."

*blink blink* moment.....

You know he's right.
I felt like an idiot for spending the last two months trying to figure out what was going on and he tells me in 5 minutes.

So now that's sorted and put in my 'to deal with in a week' box.
I'm also going to the Doctors tomorrow to have 'the talk' which i am dreading. I know I'm sick again... (one day when i feel like it i will explain what i have) I'm just not looking forward to them telling me exactly how far i managed to push my health into red alert mode this time.

My doctor tells me I'm like slowly committing suicide. Like a drug addict or a smoker, I know what i am doing in my lifestyle is potentially life threatening, but i can't seem to stop. So that's some shit i gotta deal with tomorrow when i go to see them. So this is in my 'deal with tomorrow' box.

I have told work that at the end of December i am no longer going to be taking on as much work as i have been. Sure the money is nice, and i have become accustomed to a rich lifestyle (i spent over a grand alone today on stuff i might later tell you about) But i have always said that i would rather be poor and happy then rich and miserable. And at the moment i am miserable.

So After Christmas is dealt with, and My car registration is paid (which i think should be around Jan) Im cutting half my workload down. It's my promise to me.

Bullet please...

Im in dire need of a bullet...
Would you believe i have the Mc flu AGAIN!!!!!!
No neither can i!

Im making a doctors appointment to get this shit sorted out once and for all!! There is definately something going on inside thats in dire need of attention! Im really over the whole flu thing... to the point of wearing a facial mask everywhere!

If you go back through the p[ages of my blog, you will see that i average the flu probably 3 times a month! whats with that? methinks i know what it is, but im secretly hoping its something else!

So i feel like shit, its hot, which is making me feel even hotter (have the sweats) my ears are muffly, my nose is red raw and my head hurts.
I have decided that as of November the 4th i am cutting back on work... i just can't handle the hours and the dedication needed.

Im finding myself stressed and tired and sick too much, not to mention i never have time to see my old friends (who probably think im dead) and as for my diet.... well at least the flu is keeping my weight down for the moment....

Bleurghhhhhhhh....

Will be honest with ya all, im feeling rather down and out at the moment in regards to a few things in my life, but am planning to take control as soon as my health is back to number one.