wtf???

There are so many things i could write right about now, so many nasty and horrible things i could say, but I'm not going to, because I'm not like that. I'm fucking hurt. And fucking pissed off to the max!

So writing nasty things about someone would only be lashing out at them to make me feel better and nurse my bruised ego and heart. And that's not something i pride myself on doing.

My last post WAS a depressing i hate the world whinge that i needed to get out, and some of it was directed at a certain friend who reads my blog through their e-mail. He knows who he is, and we sorted out our differences earlier today. It was a case of me being a whiney sooky needy female, and him being a little dense when it comes to noticing when you need a hug!

We have had this discussion before, I'm always there for him to listen to whatever problems he is having, but when i start to talk about mine he changes the subject to how hot the latest guy he is sleeping with is.... It's OK because i understand that's how he is. I accept that.

But like i said, when your upset and down about something, it's kinda hard to be around cheerful people because you don't want to ruin their happiness with your problems and such. I'm a hoarder. I keep my emotions inside because i don't want them to taint others happiness, so when i am down, i hibernate away from people.

Everyone has woe is me days, i just happen to blog mine. I can see how It looks to you, but you got it all wrong and you judged me before you had the chance to digest it.

If anyone took offence to my comment "everyone is too busy to stop and say 'hey, wonder if Amber's OK'...." then I'm sorry... you know how it is when your down and you feel like the whole world hates you? I was having one of those moments. Its not directed at any ONE person in particular.. more at the universe ya know?

And as for my comment "Everyone around me is happy and moving around me and i just cant stand to be around them right now." like i said, i don't want to ruin their happiness with my problems. as stated, its not like I'm shitty at them for being happy, i just need to sort out my problems my way.

when i said " it would be nice to come first for once. but i guess that's what happens when your brought up to think of others before yourself." what i meant was this: My father always instilled in us from the get go that you must always think of others before yourself. so i do. if you re read the sentence again, you will realise that what I'm actually saying is i want to come first for me! make me my number one priority and not everyone else.

Having re read that part, i can see how it looks like i mean i come second in everyone Else's lives, but that isn't what i meant!!! Fark i would hope not to come first anyway!! that would be plain selfish. I simply meant as stated before, i come second in my life before all others.

And as for the sentence "So thanks for caring, thanks for thinking about me, and thanks for all the support you gave me through this tough time.... (*can you smell the sarcasm in the sentence?*)" that was obviously directed at one person and one person only, and if you think it was you, then think again please. He knows who he is, and I've already apologised to him for being a moody bitch over the last few days.

I just needed him to be there for me and instead of telling him i bitched and whinged about it here... I now know that was a mistake and have promised to tell him when i need a hug, just as he has promised to be a little more sensitive towards me.

But that's not what hurt me the most.
I'm feeling sick and angry and sad and betrayed and confused and hurt.
first i was shocked and confused, then came the anger and bitterness, now all i am left with is the sadness and hurt.

Wow, like i said that was fucking harsh...
what a way to pull a person apart and make them feel like utter shit.
I dont know what to say....any suggestions?