I gave you my heart...

Ok, yes i have been bitching in my posts of late about a certain SOMEONE who will remain anon... For the record it's not a man. And i don't think she knows about my blog, but there are people who do read it, and unlike her, i will keep my dignity intact and refuse to divulge in gossip.

This person was once a really REALLY good friend, at one stage i felt like we were one person, i gave her everything, and i mean literally EVERYTHING. If she asked for my last 5c i gave it to her, that's the kinda person i am. And yet despite being bitten by her in the past, i let her back into my bubble. BIG MISTAKE.

I shared many secrets about myself with this girl, she knows almost all there is to know about me, some things that i told her would see me ruined of family and friends if they ever found out, somethings i would loose the respect of people i want to respect me. Even perhaps trust.

Hey i was young and stupid once, i made a few mistakes.
There is nothing more important to me in a friendship than respect and internal caring (the kind of caring that comes naturally because you cannot help but care because you love and value a person so much, and not because you feel you have to or because its the right thing to do.)

But the one thing i like to think is Most important in a relationship of any sort is trust...
When i was younger, in high school, i had a habit of opening my mouth about things among friends that were told to me in confidence, because i wanted to be liked, i used to bitch about one friend to another and be two faced because i didn't want to upset either one, i wanted to be loved by all... But unfortunately it only ended up in me loosing a lot of respect and friends, and rightly so.

Since then i have NEVER been two faced, If i have a problem with a friend, i don't run around bitching about it to everyone else, I go straight up to the person and let them know damn well if i have a problem and why. Sometimes i may talk to another friend about the issue for a different perspective, but NEVER have i EVER gone and told a story about someone that was told to me in confidence.

That's right, if you tell me your deepest darkest secrets, your worst fears, the most immoral thing you have ever done, or the sickest thing in the world, It stays between me and you. I NEVER repeat private conversations. (Unless in situations where it is life threatening or illegal, like child molestation, holding up banks at gunpoint, killing domestic animals etc...)

I have two close friends, that i have told both specifically over and over again, if you tell me, or i find out you have cheated on the the other, i will confront you and give you three days to confess, or i will do it for you. Only because they are BOTH my friend and i do not believe in being stuck with their ill behaviour on my conscious.

Another thing i do not do is LIE!
Sure i have done the occasional little white lie, like 'yes mum i haven't smoked for two weeks' or 'yes i came' or even 'oh that's nice'. But usually these are to strangers that i don't give a damn about. If you ask me does your bum look big in those jeans, and i consider you a friend of any level, of course i would tell you honestly.

If you cook me tea and i can't eat it because it upsets my stomach, i will tell you. If you are dating a real bitch and i know she is, i will tell you, but only so much, because it's up to you to find out yourself. I cant and wont try to persuade or influence your decision, only give you advice on what you ask.

Anyway, back to the point...
This person has gone and told people something that i didn't want anybody to know about. A deep dark secret that only 3 people in the world know about. I even had a stranger come up to me and say 'hey aren't you *****'s friend i heard ********* '

What the fuck?
WHAT THE FUCK?
I'm so furious...
And what did i do about it?

Well i got angry, i swore a lot, i rang them up and told them exactly how disappointed i was in them, and that i could never trust them again.
I have so much dirt on this person that i could have easily backfired and made them loose everything, their partner, their job, their families respect, even their own self esteem.

But as soon as the thought entered my head, it was swiftly gone again.
Why? Because i am not a vindictive bitch. I am not malicious. And i am not petty. Maybe once upon a time i used to be. But i don't like hurting people, no matter how much they hurt me.

Go ahead, stab me in the back, watch me bleed tears of pain and humiliation while people laugh and throw stones of hate at me... But not even as i lie there, bloodied and bruised, drawing my last breath of life, will i utter the unspeakable things you have done in this world.
Because I'm not like you.
I'm like me.

Oh for FUCKS SAKE!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!
For fucks sake i hate it when people think they are better than everyone else because they suddenly have a change in fortunes or circumstances...

Personally, i don't give a flying fuck if you just got a pay rise, or an expensive apartment overlooking the sea, or a trophy boyfriend (trophy boyfriend is something that looks good on your arm) or an article devoted to you in the paper, or even became fucking miss Australian princess...

No i do not give a shit at all... why? Because i like you for you and not what you fucking own or have inherited or gained. Do i think you are suddenly more lucky or more valuable to me now you have gained so much? Nope! Not one fucking iota...

I liked you for you, not what you posses...
Sorry for my french, but it makes me furious when people think that they're a much better person now that they're more fortunate than others...

My to do list...

Just thought i would share with everyone what i wanted to do this year and why, in no particular order, here they are...

Go to the dentist to fix teeth.
(I have a little hole in my back tooth)
Go get Hair laser removal EVERYWHERE below the neck!
(I hate body hair!)
Over come my fears of abandonment and loneliness.
(Its the only fear i have left to conquer, all the others i have overcome. And before you tsk tsk me, these issues have nothing to do with wanting a relationship or a partner.)
Either acquire a job i ENJOY, or go back to school to work towards it.
(I want to enjoy work)
Make some new friends.
(I love meeting new people)
Join a choir.
(I love singing)
Go out in Melb and stay the night.
(Never done it before)
Go to Torquay for the beach.
(cause i can)
Go to Mt bulla for the snow and stay a weekend learning to ski.
(I miss the snow)
Buy a slutty size 16 outfit.
( I WILL get there!)
(finance pending) Go overseas.
Climb Hanging Rock.
Run for 30 mins straight.
Go surfing.
Abseiling.
Join a sports club.

Umm that's it for now i think?

Im happy your happy....

You know when you have a friend who sometimes is just as miserable as you, who has the same problems as you, and you sit there together and commiserate your miserable lives together and you don't feel so alone? It's like someone else understands, and you feel like your not going through this sometimes shitty life all by yourself. You don't feel like your the only freak that has these sorts of problems.

Well what happens when they suddenly become unmiserable?
Am i supposed to be happy for them?
Cause sometimes i feel a little jealous. Why am i still stuck in miserygutsville?

Oh you lost weight? Well good for you!
You got a great job? Fantastic!
You won a bravery medal? Well ladie fucking da!
You met a nice man and eloped? Oh thats just bloody marvelous!
You discovered world peace? Whatever!
You Bought a new dress cause you got heaps of money? So fucking what!
(can you sense the anger and cynism?)

And what shits me the most, is suddenly when their life is all happy and perfect, they totally forget all about you and you never hear from them again! This ussualy happens when they meet someone, it's like your put on the shelf or the back of the cupboard, HOWEVER, if their relationship should fall in a heap, guess who they come running to??? Well fucked if im going to be there to listen! (and knowing me i probably will be there cause im such a fucking soft hearted person that i let people walk all over me!)

I just hate helping people and supporting them through thick and thin, and then they turn their back on you and forget all about it. Hello??!! where is my helping hand?
Don't get me wrong, i know my life is better than some peoples, and I'm not ungrateful, but sometimes i feel like i just wanna fall in a heap and cry why meeeeeee???!!!

Bleurghhhh....

I just kinda overdosed on coke zero (better than normal coke i thought) and now all the bubbles in the drink have made me feel sick. Not only that i kinda had a few cheese supreme corn chips, and i seriously am contemplating sticking my fingers down my throat!!

I feel soooo crook!

After a vegges, fruit and water diet for so long i don't think my poor stomach can break down this shitty food anymore. Lets just say i wont be eating processed food for a very long time!

I made a deadline to loose another 12 kilos before my birthday... which is like just over 4 weeks away... so i kinda gotta loose 3 kilos a week.... umm CANT see that happening! So i made a compromise with myself and decided i would be happy with anywhere between 6 to 8 kilo loss.

(don't wanna loose it too fast!) So I'm heading back to the gym on Monday. errr yay?

My pool is still green :-(

I'm shitty about that.

Making my sister a bracelet for her birthday, will post a pic when it's finished... i getting a smart cookie i ams!

Amby as a baby with choccy all over her mush!