Bring me the world please!

Today i was in a beauty salon called synergie.
I was getting my eyelash extensions re freshed.
And as I'm sitting in the waiting room i pick up a magazine and read the front cover for any interesting stories that i might find inside.

"THE SECRET TO MAKING A MAN YOURS FOREVER" stood out like dogs balls in bright letters.
well being the desperately single woman that i am, i decided that ANY extra information is better than none, so i had a little read.

It was crapping on about 'THE SECRET' which is basically a hairy fairy new age latest craze that states that if you want it, you will get it... (ie: if i think I'm gorgeous and that a guy will be smitten with me, then he will. If i think negative and go 'I'm fat he wont like me' he wont.) Power of positive thinking.

Well me being the cynical little muffcake i am is sitting there going 'ok... obviously some stoned freak wrote this shit! I mean, if i keep thinking that my ex will get back with me and love me forever, doesn't mean its going to happen!! What about the fact that he is married now with kids and i don't talk to him any more??? Sorry but i just see that as ludicrous thinking.

Anywho, i am not the type of person to diss something unless i have tried it first... so for the next two weeks i am going to try this thing out. See how things go. Starting tomorrow I'm going to become a positive mogul... I will let ya know how events transpire my little chicken drummettes!
(check it out for yourself here....http://thesecret.tv/)

P.s... note to self... eating onion rings equals smelly farts!

REEEEEEEE CAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!

Ok. i have so much to recount over the last few weeks...

Firstly... gay night pics.... Well i asked for copies and i am still waiting... But there are a few i took when we did the 'pre drag' makeup and dress.

Nowhere near the quality of the actual night, but something to tie you over till i get a copy of the actual final result!

Me!!!

Yes this is the body of a male!!! I hate him!!!! And his gorgeous legs!

And now onto the next thing...

The wedding....

I went to my ex Fiance's sisters wedding... confused? Me too.. Anyways, The brides name is Anna, and as i dated her brother for four and a half years, naturally our families became close and she became like a little sister to me. However, Jason (her brother, my ex) Was no where to be seen at the wedding... Why? Because he is an asshole.

Its a he said she said fight between them, but regardless he still should have showed up to his only sisters wedding! His half brother has flown all the way from Tasmania with his family to attend the wedding, And Jason even told them he was too busy to catch up with them before they went back. I felt so sad for Anna and her mum and dad.

However, on the up side, it was nice to meet the family that had heard all about me but i never got to meet, and wanna know what was even better? The fact that they absolutely love me to bits and think i am adorable!!! HAHA i mean whats not to love!

But the highlight was getting told by everyone that was there that hadn't seen me for ages that they didn't recognise me cause i lost so much weight! yay HERCULEEEEEEEEESE!!!!! I dunno whats going on, but no matter what i put in my mouth lately, (and i can assure you its all been shit!) I seem to still be loosing weight! Its kinda scaring me actually as I'm not sure if its really that healthy?? My body usually balloons...

Now the Dress!!!

My new dress to go with my new shoes!

mmmmm

And last but not least...

The Man!!!!

Just someone i met on the Internet and had an awesome night snuggling up next to!! (can't wait for the second installment, but he lives in Melbourne.. :'-(

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr

Fark is it just me or did winter come up and bite us in the ass?
I'm freeeeeezing!
And you know what sucks more than anything in this whole wide sucky wucky world in winter???? Well i will fucking Mc tell you.....

BEING SINGLE!!!!!

I hate the fact that i come home to a cold house, and the only person to greet me at the door is my cat. I mean, where is my hug, a 'how was your day honey', a nice warm kiss and cuddle and someone to snuggle up to when its -4 frikking deggers in the morning!????

Being single sucks ass man!
And the reason i am sooo shitty today is because i haven't been laid Since bloody February!!! Where are all the men?
Hellloooooooo!!! horny white female with big titts and no gag reflex wanting to be entertained for at least an hour!!!

Sigh* I'm so desperate for some male affection I'm contemplating a personals add!!! How sad am i???
Ohhh woe is meeeee....
I hate Winter!

I'm building a hot water bottle in the shape of a man.
Wonder if there's a market for that sorta thing.......?

Are you Mc serious!!!???

I cannot believe i have come down with the farking flu again!!!
Same as last time, sore head, snotty nose, sweats, sore limbs, sore throat... blah blah blah..
I must be like the most immune deficient person i know!

Ok, in all seriousness i know why i am sick again, and why i will probably get sick a few more times... Yes my immune system is shot, yes my liver is crabby, and yes i am not eating vitamin filled vegetable or fruits.

Mum is forcing me to go to the doctors tomorrow to see what can be done. Me? I'm sick of them all saying they don't know what it is, and that i should loose more weight.... I'm trying!!!!

So you might not see me for a little while, cause i gotta go pick out a patch of grass to bury myself in.

We are famileeeeeee, i got all my nuffy's with me!

Some times i wonder how i came to be the way i am..
You know, a bit of a nuffy and all.
Well Yesterday i found out.

Me and my mummy were shopping in Lansel Plaza for the day (something we do every Friday) and we both decided it was tinkle time.
I raced ahead of her and made it to the toilets first, and as I'm sitting in my cubicle having a pee, i notice these familiar pair of shoes walk into the cubicle next to me...

hehe, i decided to give mum a fright and grabbed her ankle... (before you start giggling yes it was actually my mum and not a stranger wearing the same shoes) And she shrieked loudly... i thought it was because i had successfully frightened her, but then she started sobbing "some stupid bitch put the seat down and i peed all over myself!"

How could she not know the seat was down? Well, you see, mum doesn't like to sit on public toilets, she kinda pulls her daks down and hovers over the toilet. So i guess her pee kinda hit the lid and bounced straight back off and trickled all down her pants.

I was in fits of laughter, tears running down my face as i was washing my hands in the basin, and women were staring with disgusted and horrified faces at my mums cubicle as she howled "I peed all over myself"
(yes the toilets were packed with women)

When she emerged from her cubicle she had tears running down her face as she was laughing as much as i was. Walking like a saddle sore cowboy, she declared she had to go buy a new pair of pants as hers were soaked. I told her she could stand in the women's toilets with her pants off and dry them under the hand dryer!!!

So we walked (well i walked, she waddled making squishy sounds!) To Millers, where mum promptly picked a pair of pants and raced to the ladies change room. She gave me her card and the tag off the pants and asked if i could pay for them as she was too embarrassed to do it herself. (now i happen to know the salesgirl, so i told her what happened, and she offered my mum a plastic bag to stick her pissy pants in.)

So for mothers day I'm buying her incontinence nappies!!!

But the buck doesn't stop here ladies and gents... oh no no no, there is also the tale of my father, who on the way dropping me off home, decided to stop at a mailbox to put his parcel in. He became very frustrated when he couldn't find the slot for his parcel, and shot me and mum an angry look as we were pissing ourselves laughing at him.

You see, dad was trying to 'post' his parcel through one of those green electrical boxes on the side of the road! I would have forgiven him his stupidity if he had not then next pulled up to a bright red fire hydrant and tried the same thing!!!

D'oh, i hope stupidity is not hereditary?