I haven't posted over the last few days.
I have been busy *cheeky grin*
I met them...
The person of my dreams.
Killer body, Blonde hair, Green eyes, Tanned, hairless Absolute killer looks....
But enough about the physical stuff.
They're sweet, innocent, Vulnerable, quiet, shy, great company, they make me feel like i am the most important thing in their life.
They're last partner treated them like shit, hit them and told them they were worthless... I kissed their forehead and told them they were gorgeous the way they were.
We spent hours talking, and then spent some in the bedroom, just kissing and exploring each others bodies. They were shaking from nervousness, and anticipation. I brushed the hair off their face and caressed it, i said don't be scared, i will never hurt you.
I can't tell anyone who they are.
Because they are well known and It would ruin their reputation.
I can't tell anyone in my family either.
It has to remain a secret between the two of us.
I've never felt like this with anyone before.
I think i love her already.....
Now do you understand Why it's so hard?
Wednesday, 28 March 2007
Thursday, 22 March 2007
It's moments like these i need a shotgun!
Ok i seriously had a bad day today!
The muff ups keep coming!
This afternoon (prior to buying speaker (refer to last post)) i went to the place where i bought my cd player and had it installed, and had them have a look at it because it was playing up.
After having a lengthy discussion with the UBER DREAMY sales man Lucas (yes i managed to divert my attention from his dreamy eyes and smile to look at his name tag!) about my cd player, i asked him if he had any speakers for the rear of my car for $60.
When we found a suitable pair, i handed him the notes and went to leave with the speakers. He looked at me funny for a second and handed me the money back and said i should hold onto it while he took the speakers out to the car to double check they would fit properly.
I thought nothing of it at the time, and held onto the notes in my hand. We chatted for a bit and i thought (or dared to dream) that he was flirting with me!!! The speakers fit anyway, and i handed him the money. He said that he would duck inside to write me out a receipt, and i followed him so he wouldn't have to walk back out (as he had a customer waiting)
It was on the way back inside the shop where i spied the shamefull item that made the guy look at me funny! There, lying plain as fucking day on the shop floor............................................................................................................................................................... Are you ready for it? Was a bloody empty condom wrapper!!!
Oh the shame!!!! I must have handed him the Bloody thing with the notes, and when he handed them back to me, it must have slipped through the notes and onto the floor!!! Oh my gawd! Bury me now!
Note to self: Never EVER put a used condom wrapper in your purse!!!
Why was a used condom wrapper in my purse? Cause i had sex two weeks ago and being the nice gal i am, cleaned up after myself and placed the wrapper in my handbag. Naturally i forgot it was in there lurking at the bottom of my bag, until today, when earlier my mother was going through my bag, so i discreetly shoved the bloody thing in between my notes so she wouldn't spot it!
Needless to say i grabbed the receipt and fled the shop.
And yes on the way out i avoided the condom wrapper and left it there... staring brazenly out at every customer that would walk in!
The muff ups keep coming!
This afternoon (prior to buying speaker (refer to last post)) i went to the place where i bought my cd player and had it installed, and had them have a look at it because it was playing up.
After having a lengthy discussion with the UBER DREAMY sales man Lucas (yes i managed to divert my attention from his dreamy eyes and smile to look at his name tag!) about my cd player, i asked him if he had any speakers for the rear of my car for $60.
When we found a suitable pair, i handed him the notes and went to leave with the speakers. He looked at me funny for a second and handed me the money back and said i should hold onto it while he took the speakers out to the car to double check they would fit properly.
I thought nothing of it at the time, and held onto the notes in my hand. We chatted for a bit and i thought (or dared to dream) that he was flirting with me!!! The speakers fit anyway, and i handed him the money. He said that he would duck inside to write me out a receipt, and i followed him so he wouldn't have to walk back out (as he had a customer waiting)
It was on the way back inside the shop where i spied the shamefull item that made the guy look at me funny! There, lying plain as fucking day on the shop floor............................................................................................................................................................... Are you ready for it? Was a bloody empty condom wrapper!!!
Oh the shame!!!! I must have handed him the Bloody thing with the notes, and when he handed them back to me, it must have slipped through the notes and onto the floor!!! Oh my gawd! Bury me now!
Note to self: Never EVER put a used condom wrapper in your purse!!!
Why was a used condom wrapper in my purse? Cause i had sex two weeks ago and being the nice gal i am, cleaned up after myself and placed the wrapper in my handbag. Naturally i forgot it was in there lurking at the bottom of my bag, until today, when earlier my mother was going through my bag, so i discreetly shoved the bloody thing in between my notes so she wouldn't spot it!
Needless to say i grabbed the receipt and fled the shop.
And yes on the way out i avoided the condom wrapper and left it there... staring brazenly out at every customer that would walk in!
Call me Mrs Fix it!
I think i may have made a dick of myself tonight!
I bought some new rear speakers for my car because the last ones were EXTREMELY burnt out and crackly. Anywho, I'm the kinda person who when she wants something done, it has to be NOW! I'm impatient, and no i wont wait!!!
I have watched my ex boyfriend tinker with installing CD players and such, and thought, well bugger it, i will put em in myself! So i drove down to Coles and parked at the top of the carpark under the spotlights and set to work! (I didn't have any lights outside at home and it was dark)
As i was nearing completion of my task, a couple of hoons pulled up in there pimped up rides and blasted their music up loud and started yabbering off at one another, i was going to pack up my things and go, but i thought fark it! I didn't care if they thought i was a bit of a nuffy cause i really wanted to get the job done.
So here i am half sitting/lying down in the boot of my Hyudai hatchback with one leg hanging out fiddling around, and they looked over. (I'm sure they thought i was cutting up a body or something) I guess curiosity got the better of them and they wandered over.
One of the guys asked me if i was ok and needed a hand with something, to which i looked up (Stanley knife in hand mind you!) and said in a rather masculine tone "Na mate, she's right. I'm just installin some new Tweeters"
Ummmm ooooooo -keeeeeey then!
And i ask myself why i can't get a man!??!
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm fiercely independent and men don't like that?... or maybe it has something to do with the fact that i come across as a butch dyke feminist!
MEEEH!
I bought some new rear speakers for my car because the last ones were EXTREMELY burnt out and crackly. Anywho, I'm the kinda person who when she wants something done, it has to be NOW! I'm impatient, and no i wont wait!!!
I have watched my ex boyfriend tinker with installing CD players and such, and thought, well bugger it, i will put em in myself! So i drove down to Coles and parked at the top of the carpark under the spotlights and set to work! (I didn't have any lights outside at home and it was dark)
As i was nearing completion of my task, a couple of hoons pulled up in there pimped up rides and blasted their music up loud and started yabbering off at one another, i was going to pack up my things and go, but i thought fark it! I didn't care if they thought i was a bit of a nuffy cause i really wanted to get the job done.
So here i am half sitting/lying down in the boot of my Hyudai hatchback with one leg hanging out fiddling around, and they looked over. (I'm sure they thought i was cutting up a body or something) I guess curiosity got the better of them and they wandered over.
One of the guys asked me if i was ok and needed a hand with something, to which i looked up (Stanley knife in hand mind you!) and said in a rather masculine tone "Na mate, she's right. I'm just installin some new Tweeters"
Ummmm ooooooo -keeeeeey then!
And i ask myself why i can't get a man!??!
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm fiercely independent and men don't like that?... or maybe it has something to do with the fact that i come across as a butch dyke feminist!
MEEEH!
Monday, 19 March 2007
the history of my fat
I remember it was around 7 years ago i weighed around 100kg.
For some of you that may be overweight, but for me it was a good healthy size, cause i have a large bone structure i will never be a small girl.
I remember 100kg saw me at a size 14-16.
The smallest dress size i have ever been as a teenage girl and young adult woman.
I cant exactly remember when it was that i started putting weight on, But i remember it was around the same time i lost my jobs, (i had 4 and lost 2 to financial ruin of business and left the other 2 to work longer hours at the ones that fell through!)
I remember my boyfriend was away a lot, he was an apiarist (bee keeper) so i only saw him for three days, then he would be off again for weeks on end. I know i started having sleeping problems and eating heaps to cure the boredom of having no job and no friends. (They had all gone to different towns)
I became depressed, and suicidal, was hospitalised a few times for a few sad and sorry attempts to end my life. And when it all came crashing down around me i ended up living back at my mothers place where she looked after me till i was diagnosed with depression and put on medication.
Feeling a little better i then moved to Bendigo with my boyfriend and kept on eating to cure my boredom. Then i caught my man in bed with a 15 year old girl. After a long messy two months of arguments and tears, he left me and i was a mess again, i remember the weeks were a blur of tears and sleep. (when i get depressed i sleep all the time, get up for a few hours to pee or drink and go back to bed) My Mother said to me so many times that 'beds are where people die, not live.'
After a few months at a size 30 and 144kgs i decided that in order to attract a new man i needed to loose weight, and i started on a Ultralight diet. Where i lost 15kgs in three weeks. I indeed did meet a man and saw him for about a year, but i slowly put the weight back on. and more! So obviously he left me.
Me at 21 and 140+ kg
For some of you that may be overweight, but for me it was a good healthy size, cause i have a large bone structure i will never be a small girl.
I remember 100kg saw me at a size 14-16.
The smallest dress size i have ever been as a teenage girl and young adult woman.
I cant exactly remember when it was that i started putting weight on, But i remember it was around the same time i lost my jobs, (i had 4 and lost 2 to financial ruin of business and left the other 2 to work longer hours at the ones that fell through!)
I remember my boyfriend was away a lot, he was an apiarist (bee keeper) so i only saw him for three days, then he would be off again for weeks on end. I know i started having sleeping problems and eating heaps to cure the boredom of having no job and no friends. (They had all gone to different towns)
I became depressed, and suicidal, was hospitalised a few times for a few sad and sorry attempts to end my life. And when it all came crashing down around me i ended up living back at my mothers place where she looked after me till i was diagnosed with depression and put on medication.
Feeling a little better i then moved to Bendigo with my boyfriend and kept on eating to cure my boredom. Then i caught my man in bed with a 15 year old girl. After a long messy two months of arguments and tears, he left me and i was a mess again, i remember the weeks were a blur of tears and sleep. (when i get depressed i sleep all the time, get up for a few hours to pee or drink and go back to bed) My Mother said to me so many times that 'beds are where people die, not live.'
After a few months at a size 30 and 144kgs i decided that in order to attract a new man i needed to loose weight, and i started on a Ultralight diet. Where i lost 15kgs in three weeks. I indeed did meet a man and saw him for about a year, but i slowly put the weight back on. and more! So obviously he left me.
I got depressed again and ballooned up to a whooping 154kgs.
I remember i would sit down watching the biggest looser and eat a whole heap of hot fish and chips and drink coke and eat lollies and chocolate. Madness!
I do remember the day i decided that enough was enough...
I was sitting in the bath tub and i went to get out, and i was stuck. I couldn't even reach my ass properly to wipe it... and masturbation... lets not go there.
So i started my little journey to finding me. And along the way i finally come out of my little cloud of depression. Sure I've had a few bumps and dramas along the way.... (thanks to the wonderful species called MEN!) But I'm determined to not let them influence my feelings or my determination anymore.
Whats the difference between this time and all the other failed attempts?This time I'm doing it for me.
*I weighed myself today, and i am .5kg away from the smallest weight i have ever been in the last 6years!*
Me at 21 and 140+ kg
Sunday, 18 March 2007
Ahhhhhhhhh fuck it!
That's it.....
I have decided that men are the root of all evil.
they should be castrated at birth and force fed estrogen tablets for the rest of their lives!
Maybe then they would grow some form of heart and have some sort of moral standards and ethics!
Fuck em all!!!
Lesbianism here i come.
I have decided that men are the root of all evil.
they should be castrated at birth and force fed estrogen tablets for the rest of their lives!
Maybe then they would grow some form of heart and have some sort of moral standards and ethics!
Fuck em all!!!
Lesbianism here i come.
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