the history of my fat

I remember it was around 7 years ago i weighed around 100kg.
For some of you that may be overweight, but for me it was a good healthy size, cause i have a large bone structure i will never be a small girl.
I remember 100kg saw me at a size 14-16.
The smallest dress size i have ever been as a teenage girl and young adult woman.

I cant exactly remember when it was that i started putting weight on, But i remember it was around the same time i lost my jobs, (i had 4 and lost 2 to financial ruin of business and left the other 2 to work longer hours at the ones that fell through!)

I remember my boyfriend was away a lot, he was an apiarist (bee keeper) so i only saw him for three days, then he would be off again for weeks on end. I know i started having sleeping problems and eating heaps to cure the boredom of having no job and no friends. (They had all gone to different towns)

I became depressed, and suicidal, was hospitalised a few times for a few sad and sorry attempts to end my life. And when it all came crashing down around me i ended up living back at my mothers place where she looked after me till i was diagnosed with depression and put on medication.

Feeling a little better i then moved to Bendigo with my boyfriend and kept on eating to cure my boredom. Then i caught my man in bed with a 15 year old girl. After a long messy two months of arguments and tears, he left me and i was a mess again, i remember the weeks were a blur of tears and sleep. (when i get depressed i sleep all the time, get up for a few hours to pee or drink and go back to bed) My Mother said to me so many times that 'beds are where people die, not live.'

After a few months at a size 30 and 144kgs i decided that in order to attract a new man i needed to loose weight, and i started on a Ultralight diet. Where i lost 15kgs in three weeks. I indeed did meet a man and saw him for about a year, but i slowly put the weight back on. and more! So obviously he left me.

I got depressed again and ballooned up to a whooping 154kgs.

I remember i would sit down watching the biggest looser and eat a whole heap of hot fish and chips and drink coke and eat lollies and chocolate. Madness!

I do remember the day i decided that enough was enough...

I was sitting in the bath tub and i went to get out, and i was stuck. I couldn't even reach my ass properly to wipe it... and masturbation... lets not go there.

So i started my little journey to finding me. And along the way i finally come out of my little cloud of depression. Sure I've had a few bumps and dramas along the way.... (thanks to the wonderful species called MEN!) But I'm determined to not let them influence my feelings or my determination anymore.

Whats the difference between this time and all the other failed attempts?This time I'm doing it for me.

*I weighed myself today, and i am .5kg away from the smallest weight i have ever been in the last 6years!*

Me at 21 and 140+ kg