ITS MY BLOG AND I WILL CRY IF I WANT TO!!

Peekaboo, yes its me...
I been hiding under a rock... well under my doona anyway.
Wanna know what sends a big girl into a tail spin of depression and illness, that leads her to hide away from the world and everyone in it?
ok, here goes...

So i get back from Warnambool with this really horrible flu, popping panadol rapid like m&m's and a sore throat like you wouldn't believe! I had those white little pimple things all over my tongue and felt tired all the time. Its taken me two weeks to recover from that.

Then just as i gets to feeling a little better i get a call from my doctors surgery telling me to get my ass down to emergency because i was exposed to the influenza A virus! (the one that's been killing everyone!)
So a long course of antibiotics later I'm fine and in the clear, I'm able to go out into the world and touch things again without feeling like I'm gunna kill someone.

Then i experience something i have never experienced in my whole life before. It was horrible and made me feel dirty and violated. I just wanted to crawl into a little ball and hide away from everything. It's not something i really want to blog about, or tell anyone about for that matter, but i gotta get it out of my system somehow, and its easier to write about it than talk about it.

I was inches away from getting raped. I'm not going into details, but I'm talking full on pushed down forced rape. With me screaming stop. I thought i was a brave tough chicky, but i crumbled up and couldn't do anything. (last minute nerves kicked in and i managed to run away half naked outta the joint.)

I keep seeing his face every time i close my eyes, and i feel like I'm constantly being followed.

Everyone around me is happy and moving around me and i just cant stand to be around them right now. (not that I'm not happy they are happy, i just don't feel like being around people who are cherry and talking about how great their lives are going. I'm trying to sort out mine.)

I don't want to sit and drown in my own pool of tears, I'm not wanting to be miserable and do the poor me act, i just really need a good whinge and a sook, i need someone to say 'hey its OK cry away cause I'm your friend and i will always be here'... But I'm kinda feeling like that ain't gunna happen cause everyone is too busy to stop and say 'hey, wonder if Amber's ok'....

Yeah I'm being miserable right now and wallowing, i know that, i don't care, i need to wallow. I need to bitch whinge and moan about whatever i feel like, then i will deal with it and move on. I mean I'm starting to feel a little better now having written this!

If i could wish for one thing in the whole world, i would wish for another me to hang out with, because i know how much i love my friends and family, i know what i would do for them, and i know i come second to all of them... it would be nice to come first for once. but i guess that's what happens when your brought up to think of others before yourself.

So thanks for caring, thanks for thinking about me, and thanks for all the support you gave me through this tough time.... (*can you smell the sarcasm in the sentence?*)

Ok I've had my bitch and rant, I've screamed at the world "fuck you!!"
Now I'm going to start my healing process and get back on my Amby wagon and head towards normality and happiness, whatever that might be for me.