HOLY MOLY!

OMG what a full on four months.

i didn't realise it had been so long since i last posted.

gosh i don't know where to start. So much to tell.

First off im an AUNTY!

and omg does it feel strange, seeing my sister with this little baby, it doesn't even feel like it's hers, i keep seeing her with dolls and toys, not a baby!

now i well and trooly feel old! My younger sister got married in January this year, my oldest sister having a baby in July.... All my school friends in marriages with kids... and then there is me with a cat and 5 furbies! lol

I don't mind, for the first time in my life i actually have a plan.

Im going to kick my butt into shape (already part way there with a loss of 11.8kgs! yay) then im going to move to Queensland with a Male friend of mine (a hmmm no presumptions yet please, we are just really really good friends and he happens to be drop dead gorgeous inside and out) we plan to open and run a coffee shop. And then im going to travel. live the life i have been too afraid to live for the past 8 years...

o000 k waffling off the track here!

I also went to a funeral this year, my first funeral that was close to home... my cousin died at the age of 24, and it was really sad. I hate funerals, they are so sad. Seeing people crying and hurting around me.

I'm typing this up at work and i just realised that its nearly time to knock off, so i better wrap it up for now.... but before i go I'm going to Finish with a horror story that is very disturbing

this is what happened to my girlfriend when she dyed her hair with a loreal at home hair dye kit. Apparently this is what an allergic reaction looks like. Her scalp was weeping and burnt and she felt like shit and it lasted for 3 and a half weeks. the doctors in the emergency dept gave her a cocktail of steroids and anti histamines.

Movie night

Last night i decided to stop everything i was doing, close down my overloaded brain for a few hours, and sat down and watched a DVD for the first time in ages.

There are very few movies that stick in my mind, but there was one i had watched a few years ago that i decided to re watch again because i find that movies tend to change the older you get, you see things differently and pick things up that you didn't see the first time round.
So i watched a movie called HARD CANDY.

The leading Roles are played by Patrick Wilson (Whom you might recognise from movies like THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA or LITTLE CHILDREN, both films i absolutely love) And Ellen Page Who recently became more recognised for playing the pregnant chick from the movie JUNO.


This movie (HARD CANDY) is deliciously controversial and keeps you wondering from start to Finnish. Most males hate this film, and Film Critics are at war over whether or not it is immoral and disgusting or a justified eye opener. Some even go so far as to say it should be shown at schools the world over.... but i can't tell you why because i don't want to spoil a good movie plot.

I picked this movie up and was kept on the edge of my seat from start to finish, wondering who was predator and who was prey. Right up to literally the last 2 minutes left of the film, i still wasn't sure whether or not the person was guilty of everything they were accused of. (trying to be careful not to spoil movie here!)


My advice is, don't read the cover. Don't read any synopsis of the movie, just watch it.
If you can't help yourself then here is a overview of what it's all about.http://movies.aol.com/movie/hard-candy-2005/21159/main

FORGIVENESS IS LIKE....

Hmm, well forgiveness to me is like being washed clean.

Feeling weightless and squeaky clean inside and out.

Sure it's darn hard to forget somethings, But forgiveness is always nearly something i can hand out to anyone who asks for it. But doesn't mean I'm gunna fall for the same mistakes i made in the first place.

My father always said, you can only help someone too much before your actually doing more harm than help. I think that's very true.

I recently reunited with a friend i haven't spoken to in 2 years because of some awful shitty things he did to me. But as much fun as i have now with him, and as much as i would like to run with open arms back to the way things were, there is that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that's called a memory. Just simply can't forget dem bad things he did.

Anywho, i feel so much better having let it all go.

check this out!!!!

My sister an i have nicknamed it "squishy" which is 4 my future niece/nephew.

Wont know until another 2 weeks if it's a boy or girl. I hope its a girl, but methinks it's a boy somehow!

Nothing much else to say atm, it's late and i gotta work in 2 hours!

Reflections are a funny thing

So i been reflecting over the last few weeks that have past.

And overall i think i have had some pretty amazing experiences and shit lately!

I will start at the start.

After finding out about the whole cervical cancer thing, i had the 'proceedure' to remove what they could of it. And three days later my sister had her wedding. Now i don't get along with my sister all too well, we had a huge falling out many years ago and things have been tense ever since. Im sad because it was very strange to be at her most important day, feeling kinda uncomfortable and like i didn't belong.

My older sister Heidi also has a strained relationship with her, and she commented on how my younger sister had more to do with her friends and bridesmaids than either of us. (Which didn't bother me but i felt sad for my sister as she has a big heart and i love her to bits)

Anywho... the wedding was top notch diddly dee afair (wouldn't expect anything less from my 'perfect' little sister) And i must admit she did look very nice in her wedding outfit. although i think she did kinda overdo it on the fake tan though!

As i was on the way to the reception I asked my mate to pull over so i could put my fat suckers back on (which i took off earlier as it was stifling hot. fat suckers are those tight black undie things) Any way the little bastard thought it would be funny to take a shot of me changing in the bushes.

Being at her wedding and watching her dance to " the way you look tonight" by Frank Sinatra made me stiffle a little sigh of sadness. Because after all is said and done, at the end of the day she is still my little sister and underneath all the anomosity there is still love there for her.

It was weird to think that my little sister was all grown up and now married.

Afterwards the moment i dreaded came up. My Uncle and family teased me asking me when i was getting married. So i Promptly turned around and said "When they legalise gay marriages in Australia And my mother accepts my girlfriend." Was pretty hilarious watching the news spread through the family camp about the 'gay' relative. (My family are all stought christians)

I will admit at the time i was pretty sad and thought to myself i wonder if i will ever get married... but im over that now.

Moving along........... a week after my sisters wedding i wen't back into the hospital to get a final check up to get the all clear on the cancer removal. You shoulda seen my face when They pulled out this long penis like looking thingy with a camera in it, put two condoms on it then lubed it up!! I asked why there was a need to put two condoms on it, to wich the nurse replied "incase the first one broke!" man, talk about hysterical, i pissed myself laughing at the prospect of being impregnated by a dildo looking camera! But i was shot down when the nurse curtly replied it was to prevent any bacteria getting on the camera.

It wasn't a pleasant feeling having it poking around in there, and i almost flipped out when i saw something moving on the monitor! there on the screen was this little grey thing blobbing around and pulsating! I was stunned and pointed at the screen and stammered, "what is that!"

Im not ready to be a mum, and certainly not prepared at all!

I mean im gobsmacked about the whole thing and thoughts are racing through my brain "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN"

So imagine my reaction when the nurse said "Oh that's just gas near your colon."

I thought the idea of being able to see your fart on a moniter through your twat was hilarious. I had tears running down my face with laughter and relief.

But talking about ultra sounds, There is a little baby on the way that is near and dear to my heart already. IM GUNNA BE AN AUNT! My older sister Heidi is 4 and a half months preggers and im wrapt! She has been trying to fall pregnant for the last three years and almost gave up hope when bang! After fainting at work and going to the doc's there ya go!

Im hoping for a girl. But either way i know im gunna spoil it rotten!

And lastly there was Valentines day.

I hate it, i never recieved a card, and never been romanced, (even when i was in a relationship)

I hated it because it reminded me how sucky it was to be single and lonely. And if i saw another happy couple kissing i was gunna barf!

So im sitting at work when in walks my best friend. And he hands me a bunch of flowers and says i love you. (calm down, he's gay) and after he leaves another friend walks in and hands me a single long stemmed rose. And later that day i was hanging out with a few other close friends just laughing and having a ball when it dawned on me... Valentines day rocked for me because although i got no card or box of chocolates from a dashing young man who was deeply in love with me, I had something better, I had the unconditional love of my friends and they had mine in return.

Chookas to you all cuz i loves ya!

PFFFFT!

You know what?? i really couldn't care less what you think about my posts, they are for me and me alone to write out. It's not a public forum for people to entertain themselves with!! So sorry to those of you that have nothing better to do than surf blogs to entertain yourself daily with other peoples lives, but it's MY blog, MY emotions and MY life.

The reasons i have not deleted your comments is because im not afraid of conflict, and im not afraid to be judged by whatever i have to say about my opinions on anything. If you don't like it, then bugger off! Besides i find them quite entertaining.

Like i said, your obviously hurting. Can't undestand why or help you if you don't want to "come out" and deal with it. You can keep your "Anoynomous" little sheild up to protect yourself. I know enough about you now to understand that it's not worth worrying over ANY sort of friendship you seem to think we had, if thats the way you think someone should be treated.
More to the point, if your childish enough to confront me this way than i'd rather not have to deal with you in my life anyway.

For those who think it is between me and Beck... I never said it was. I dont' know why you think so. I can't seem to see Beck as the type of person who would be childish enough to go about things in this kinda way. She would have the decency to front me to my face. Perhaps you may think so because of something she may have written or said about me? I don't know as i can no longer read her blog because i seem to have been denied access.

I have no idea why, Perhaps i did or didn't do something, or perhaps its just a simple mistake?
Not going to dwell on it. Iv'e tried to ring her the past week before all this shit happened and i never seem to catch her at the right moment. Co -incidence or deliberate? I don't know. But i understand life gets busy, and everyone has their own problems to deal with.

So Beck if your reading this, i have been trying to contact you, and i have smsed you a few times and even droppen into your place over the past two weeks even before the Australia day party (which im sorry i couldn't attend as i was in Shepparton on work related issues which i txt you about) Hope things are ok with the Pregnancy and love life.

Ally thanks for the thoughts and kind words, they haven't gone unnoticed, and i do pop in and read your blog so i can keep up to date on how you are. I do wish you well with everything.

That's all i have to say about the issue folks. As of now im moving onto my usual updates... which are far and plentyful! A marriage, An unexpected Pregnancy and a funny story about an ultrasound coming up next time i have a spare moment!

oh before i go i beter do a spell check or the spelling nazi will be after me!
Ah fuck it....

Miss gutless...

If you have nothing beter to do than go through my posts and pick out my speeeeling mistakes than i suggest you take up a hobby?? May i suggest a course on manners and etiquette? As obviously you have none!

What you see and what you know is a one sided view. Im sorry if you feel this way, i have spoken to most of my friends about this and they have all said the same thing, i have NEVER just taken anything from anyone, nor have i ignored them for any unjust reason. Im first in line to do anything for a friend.

Perhaps if i have ignored your texts and not turned up to your invites it's because i don't want to see YOU! Think about that. I am not a false person, and i am not a rude nasty or fake person. Therefore if there is someone i dislike or don't get along with i will avoid them like the plague rather than be called a two faced bitch.

I am FAR from lonely and miserable, which is what you sound like you are if you feel the heroic need to 'rescue' me from my supposed misery. All my REAL friends know i am ok. And have been for the past two weeks. Im sorry if i have been too busy with life to write a post for you updating you on the last time i wiped my ass!!

I never denied anything being a certain way. Many people suffer from depression and life threatening illness. Excuse me for wanting time away from people to deal with it in my own way! I remember a certain friend of mine needing time out herself when her ex partner fell ill.

Gimme a break woman!

If you don't care about me knowing who you are, then how about you indulge the rest of the people who read my blog and tell them?? Don't think you will somehow as It's obvious your too scared cause you know what you wrote was utterly rude and uncalled for.

Im not a nasty or vindictive person, however i am pissed that you felt the need to post this shit on MY personal blog instead of 'being a friend' and coming straight over and telling me to my face. And i am EXTREMELY pissed at the fact that you said "Friendship is a two way street, you cant keep taking from people without giving, which is what you do and what you have done for a very long time".

WHAT AN UTTER LOAD OF BULLSHIT.
look im not going to waste anymore time on you or replying to your comments. If you feel the need to keep this up then how about you either ring me, or front up and we will talk about it over coffee. Its obvious that your hurting for some reason and i would like to know why.

p.s.... For your enjoyment and entertainment i have left several spelling mistakes. go ahead and go nuts kiddo.

Dear Miss Anomous...

Hmm, im not going to waste much of my time and energy on ranting about how much of a gutless bitch you are for not even having the balls to put a name with your little comment on my last blog entry.

My blog is for me, my family and my friends, and i don't really give a toss what you or anyone else thinks about it. Im not the sad person who sits on my ass reading other people's blogs and getting a kick outta judging them by a few personal posts.

If you are sick of reading the poor me post then the answer is simple... don't bother reading anymore, and as for loosing my friends and being all alone and friendless, not gunna happen sweety cause those who ARE my friends have the heart and compassion to wait and help me through my problems whatever or whenever they are.

Pretty spot on idea of who you are regardless, you still write the same way and with the same tone honey. So please GO FUCK YOURSELF....... sorry, but like you said, had to be said.

and now im back.... from outter space...(well soon)

leaving on a steam train............
Dunno when i will be back again...

actually i will be back on Sunday.
going away on holiday with two friends for a heart party, then i am coming back to haunt you all.

Opinionated, Cranky, Cynical and a down right pain in the ass.

Just a few of the things i have been called lately.
In some aspects i agree, in other's, well they can go get pucked.

Sitting here with a MASSIVE migrane so it's gunna be short n sweet.

My week has been very full on.
My sister got married.
My mother chucked a fruity at me (yes you did!)
and you know the rest....

Im taking a week off from everything, work, people, chores and such to reflect on a a few things.
Im a going on a short holiday away by myself. Dont ask me where im going cause im not telling.

Got lots of things i wanna say, loads of people im gunna call and catch up with, (If your reading this then you will be one of them!) and plenty of things im going to get off my ass and start doing when i get back.

So much news, good and bad... so many dramas and gossip and funny bits and pics i have to tell you about that has gone on in the last month. But you will have to wait till i get back from my soul search camping trip that im going on.

Amby's clawing her way back to the top of the world one handfull of glorious dirt at a time.
Let's just not get to carried away and run outta steam halfway and tumble back to the bottom.

I will be seeing you all VERY soon.

Don't cry for me Argentina...

Massive thoughts emotions and feelings going on in my head lately.
So I'm feeling the need to just spit it all out and save myself the mess of tears.
(I find that a good dose of writing it all down makes me feel better)

I'm angry, pissed, sad, and scared.
And so god damn tired.

So here it is, my news, my update, my life.
I feel like i been put on pause, and the whole world is moving around me still, and i can't seem to catch up on what i missed out on.
Everyone i know is shitty and angry at me for not ringing them or seeing them.
Everyone is pulling my arms and begging me to come out.
But I'm not the kinda person who likes to rain on someone Else's parade. In that if I'm miserable or hurting inside bad, i don't want to be the person in the corner who is a stick in the mud or a wallower, don't even think about calling me 'someone who is always looking down at her feet miserably'. Because I'm not.... honestly I'm not, though it may seem that way to you lately.
So here is my confession...

I have stage two cervical cancer. Along with cysts on my ovaries due to POCS. (polysytic ovarian syndrome) and i also have acute liver failure due to something that happened to me a few years ago.

I knew several days before Christmas about it all. But i kept it silently because i didn't want to ruin Anyone's Christmas. It's hard to go through a life threatening illness all alone. And there were so many times i nearly broke down and just gave up. But I'm still here now, right now and right this moment. And i can choose to run, or i can choose to fight.

It ain't gunna be pretty, and i know i have a very hard couple of months ahead of me, so if i seem a little distant and preoccupied, please understand that I'm fighting not only for myself, but for the day, the hour, the minute, and even the seconds that tic by when I'm with you, or when I'm thinking about you.

In the Musical Evita, Madonna sings "Don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is i never left you" And i guess I'm asking you to do the same.

I'm sorry mum. But please understand why i had to do this.
I love you.
And i don't want your tears or sorrow to cast a shadow on our life.
Just smile for me.
And hold my hand tight.
I'm very scared and in so much darkness.

I need you to help me be strong, so please don't handicap me by pitying me or by being depressed and sad over me. And when we are in doubt, and feel a lump of sadness well in our throats, we shall sing to one another with love and hope in our hearts...

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

NO OFFENCE BUT FUCK CHRISTMAS.

Sorry all, but i really hate christmas, always have always will.
It's for a few reasons really.
But i can't be assed going into it atm, maybe next post.

Haven't had time to scratch my ass between work and hospital and doctors.
Forgive me for not contacting any of you over the last month.
Don't want to talk about it just yet im still swimming in uncertainty and tears.
Even though i haven't msged or seen anyone, doesn't mean i haven't been thinking about you all.
For lack of a better word, and even though it kills me to say it... Merry Xmas.

Two words you don't want to hear...

Cervical Cancer.

will be back when i have digested them.

My sincerest appologies

to all my friends who i haven't contacted and spoken to lately.
For the ones who i have stood up and the ones i broke promises to...
Im appologising.

You know who you all are.
I can't explain how sorry i am.
But in a couple of days when it's all sorted and dealt with i will come forward with my lame but just excuse for being a bad friend...

Amby

Bing Bong!

You know i been working hard lately.
And i been thinking gosh i should update my blog.
and then i got to thinking what is the point of a blog?
Perhaps Some people write to let others know how they are? Or maybe some people like to just fill in their day's of boredom...? Who knows why they do it? i sure don't.... But i can tell you why i do.

I'm a bit of an OCD freak. (Obsessive compulsive disorder) And i have this NEED to write and plan everything out. I HAVE to be in control. Its frustrating at times, you have no idea how many times i write out my shopping list and then check and re-check like a zillion times. I walk around my house and constantly repeat in my head things that have to be done... i wipe and re wipe benches.

So i write in my blog for a few reasons, to vent, to think, to help me understand a few things about myself that i normally wouldn't have, and to provide my friends with some entertainment from time to time with my stupidity.

So today I'm hanging out with my gay friend Kyle, and he says to me "You know what Amber, you have three bad habits, and all your problems are tied into those bad habits... You have a low self image, you feel bad about yourself so you go out and spend money on crap you don't need to make yourself feel better, then when that doesn't work, you buy junk food and try to eat yourself to happiness, but then you get even more depressed because you see that as failure at looking slim and beautiful, so you stress yourself out and smoke... it's a vicious circle you keep running in."

*blink blink* moment.....

You know he's right.
I felt like an idiot for spending the last two months trying to figure out what was going on and he tells me in 5 minutes.

So now that's sorted and put in my 'to deal with in a week' box.
I'm also going to the Doctors tomorrow to have 'the talk' which i am dreading. I know I'm sick again... (one day when i feel like it i will explain what i have) I'm just not looking forward to them telling me exactly how far i managed to push my health into red alert mode this time.

My doctor tells me I'm like slowly committing suicide. Like a drug addict or a smoker, I know what i am doing in my lifestyle is potentially life threatening, but i can't seem to stop. So that's some shit i gotta deal with tomorrow when i go to see them. So this is in my 'deal with tomorrow' box.

I have told work that at the end of December i am no longer going to be taking on as much work as i have been. Sure the money is nice, and i have become accustomed to a rich lifestyle (i spent over a grand alone today on stuff i might later tell you about) But i have always said that i would rather be poor and happy then rich and miserable. And at the moment i am miserable.

So After Christmas is dealt with, and My car registration is paid (which i think should be around Jan) Im cutting half my workload down. It's my promise to me.

Bullet please...

Im in dire need of a bullet...
Would you believe i have the Mc flu AGAIN!!!!!!
No neither can i!

Im making a doctors appointment to get this shit sorted out once and for all!! There is definately something going on inside thats in dire need of attention! Im really over the whole flu thing... to the point of wearing a facial mask everywhere!

If you go back through the p[ages of my blog, you will see that i average the flu probably 3 times a month! whats with that? methinks i know what it is, but im secretly hoping its something else!

So i feel like shit, its hot, which is making me feel even hotter (have the sweats) my ears are muffly, my nose is red raw and my head hurts.
I have decided that as of November the 4th i am cutting back on work... i just can't handle the hours and the dedication needed.

Im finding myself stressed and tired and sick too much, not to mention i never have time to see my old friends (who probably think im dead) and as for my diet.... well at least the flu is keeping my weight down for the moment....

Bleurghhhhhhhh....

Will be honest with ya all, im feeling rather down and out at the moment in regards to a few things in my life, but am planning to take control as soon as my health is back to number one.

What bears do in a cave of hybernation...

Ok i know i been gone a loooong time!

And I'm still partially hibernating... Not quite ready for my big reveal as yet (where i pop up back into society to the echo's of 'oh my gosh look at you' )... see i kinda got lost along the way looking for my mojo, and i got side tracked for a very long time, but I'm back on the beaten path of discovery and I'm damn near close to finding it!

Anyway, here's what this furry bear got up to in her cave....

I have never had lobster in my whole entire life, and heard people rave about how much of a delicacy it is. must admit that it seemed to me like a rich mans food... so i had some spare cash and decided to try some... This little bugger cost me $70.... and that was for only half!

Unfortunately i took one bite (after racking up the nerve to eat it out of its shell... ewwwwww eyeballs an all!!) and was instantly put off... yuck! I couldn't find anyone who would eat it as it seemed like a waste money, so lets just say the neighbours dog had an expensive din dins!

No i didn't get into a punch on.. I had my eyelash's dyed and permed!

Got hair extensions put in, but then took them out cause it was too much maintenance!!!!

So then i decided to straighten my hair and cut it.... hmmm women!
Oh and i did my nails!

Peekaboo...

Just peeping out from behind my rock and having a quick squiz around before making a mad dash back into my bear cave...

Im feeling a little better, still tired as, but thats due to work.
Thinking i may have found out where my mojo is, just have to get off my ass and go and geddit!

Some good news coming soon....

Im a making like a bear....

Thats right, im making like a bear and hybernating my fat ass for a week or so. Between work and cleaning up after the dirty flatmate i am a bit nackered. Kinda feeling like all my life seems to evolve around lately is work!

I haven't been able to catch up with some of my gorgeous friends for ages, like the lovely Miss Cinta i went to school with... Its been like 3 months

And i also haven't seen Miss Claire, who has been overseas for the last two months

Hmmm maybe i should make Friday friend day. A day where i get to catch up with all the people i haven't had time to see for ages.

I dunno what's chasing me at the moment, but im feeling kinda blue, and it's been creeping up on me for a while now. Still haven't quite put my finger on it yet, i know a lot of it has to do with being dissapointed with myself over a few things. Like my lack of self control and self preservation! I used to care about what i looked like before i went out, and now i dont seem to worry too much about it.

Me thinks i need a makeover... Not a hair cut, not a hair colour, Not even a wardrobe change, but perhaps a lifestyle makeover... some kinda structure to live by. I need to get a routine going so i can wiggle back into my mojo. cause i think i kinda lost it.

My gay friend Kyle pointed out that i lost my mojo, (my 'im gorgeous' gene that radiates a sparkle in my eyes and a cheekiness to my grin)about 3 weeks ago. So i think im gunna have to take a week and a bit off from the world to go digging around the spaces of my head and soul for it.

Hopefully i won't have to look too hard for too long.

Its gunna be a big un!!!

Ok So much to say and so little time!!!

so here i will break it down for all you little rockmeista's out there!

(crazy mood? yessum i am)

First things first. Gay night was fun. Met the most gorgeous men in the most gorgeous dresses!!! They were all so pretty!!! One came dressed in an old Victorian style dress, i almost fell over and died! But alas only one of my gay tribe decided to go in drag... the others pussied out. So here is the pics i promised!

Now After last weekend i was well and trooly stuffed! So i only just got round to coming alive today! I came home from work on Monday and found Boogles locked up in my bedroom. I couldn't figure out why Garry had locked her in there until 5 minutes later when i heard her growling!

Her little boys were trying to mount her!!! ewwwww Im not having four headed incestuous kittens! so i took the boys straight to the vet the next day to have their nuts removed. Boggles is next on my list for desexing.

Anyway, on to the more indepth part of my post...

Are you one of those people that desperately want to loose weight but cant? The kind of person who seems to loose weight but then all of a sudden stops and puts it all back on? Do you say to yourself each day 'i can have some today, i will start my diet tomorrow' and tomorrow say exactly the same thing again? Do you watch other people around you loose weight and talk about how great they are feeling and get all shitty and depressed and feel like a failure because you cant. Do you sleep to avoid the nagging hunger inside you? Do you feel like you were cheated out of a childhood because all your friends could participate at school sports day while you lied about having your period and stayed at home under the covers with a chocolate bar. Do you hate pretty thin girls that are all bubbly and girly that seem to get all the attention? Do you wish that you were one of those girls that could wear whatever they wanted and still look pretty and cute? To be one of those cool chicks that everyone wanted to be and hang around with?

ME TOO!!

I feel like i been cheated of my childhood and my teenage years. Robbed of all the things i should have been able to do but couldn't. Instead i got teased and made to feel an outcast. Great substitute. I have so many problems now because of it. And i sit here some days and wonder what my life would be like now if i had of been a thin girl. What experiences i would have had and what personality i would have? Would i be married with kids now? Would i have a job or be at uni? Would i be happy?

Who knows. I don't. If i could live my life over again there would certainly be some things i wouldn't do again.

However i don't want to wake up in my mid 30's and add young adulthood to that list. I don't want to rob myself of things that i can still yet do before i am too old to do so. I want to run, i want to climb mountains and ride a bike without swallowing it with my ass.

But it's so hard... Its easy to say, but so hard to achieve. Im sabotaging my health, and i am robbing myself of so much. Can you imagine how that feels?

Can someone hand me my eyeballs please?

I seem to have dropped them on the floor somewhere!
Short post to say, yes i had a great weekend, yes i will be putting pics up soon, and yes i am well and truly FOOOKED!
(Oh and yes i kinda cheated on my diet... oops!)
details soon!!!